Jokes Collected From Emails

Questions by employee of the month

2011-03-04T07:26:00.000-08:00

Employee of the month: Q. Why can’t some script see a folder share?

facepalm answer : A. Someone didn’t create the folder share to start with.

Last Day on the Job

2011-02-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "*censored* him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Girls Night out

2011-02-04T08:33:00.001-08:00

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

the Prisoner

2011-02-04T08:30:00.000-08:00

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it’s not a life sentence,
OKAY!

City Bus Lingo

2011-02-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus..
A curious passenger asks the bus driver what the odd motions were all about
The driver explains "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is
five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was
going uptown, I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus
was going to pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going to pass the
ball-park."

The passenger interjected "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left
the bus?"

The driver continued "She replied 'Oh poo... I'm on the wrong bus!'"

Church Bells

2011-02-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

The Tiger

2011-02-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this darn hole."

Wedding night!

2011-02-04T08:23:00.000-08:00

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall
bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over,

and they retired to their room,

she flopped on the bed and said,

"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,

my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales

attacked her right shoe with vigour,

but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back.

"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released,

Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,

"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door,

the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,

he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,

"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:

once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

The Black Bra (as told by a married woman)

2010-09-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door, wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes....

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me, he said,

(you are going to love this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

WHAT WHACKY QUOTES

2010-09-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

If necessity is the mother of invention, then frustration is the father of masturbation!

Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger!

Life without friends is like boobs without nipples... POINTLESS!

The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell the other: UNITED we are save, Divided we are fucked.

Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes.

Fuck a girl & she'll love you... Love a girl & she'll fuck you!

All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.

The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's still got you by the balls

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

2010-09-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

Yes...Australia welcomes you....enjoy~

2010-09-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

A Chinese man decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai .

He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. A few days after moving in,
the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new
guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he
sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these
'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to
knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet
another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next
door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,
...pause...., and then put his head next to the
bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and
says,
'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbor hood, and see you running
around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today
you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit
on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian
customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,
'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to

..... chase chicks,
..... get piss drunk,

and .... listen to bull-shit.'

laws of nature

2010-09-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Law of the Alibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.Variation Law- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Now Reconcile with your own experience and feel happy.....

Monkey Business

2010-09-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs.20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !

Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!

Singaporean Hospitals

2010-09-23T08:43:00.001-07:00

Do you know why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for 'Never Come Home.

That's why business was very bad before it changed its name. Now CGH stands for 'Can Go Home'. So business is picking up. Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong because SGH stands for 'Sure Go Home'! Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name change. It stands for 'No Use Hospital'! What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). Not too good a name, no wonder so much problem. It stands for ’Tiam Tiam Si Hospital' (Always Die or Die Quietly).

So, be careful of choosing which hospital to go if anyone is unwell.

And then the fight started...

2009-03-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap! That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
-----------------------------------------------------------------

PARROT

2009-03-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the Seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate.

'Hey, bitch', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

'God damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!'

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

'Hey, slut, ' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, 'Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.'

discussions on an airplane

2009-03-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama... when you don't know shit?"

Lawyer

2009-03-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED,
WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.

'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED.

'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.

'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD
PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.

'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.

JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A
VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND
GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN
CALMLY LEFT.

THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE
VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN
A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE
WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO
VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED
THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND
THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN
WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED.

THE MAN REPLIED, ' MINNESOTA .'

'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN MINNESOTA .'

'I KNOW.' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE
ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.

1. DEATH
2. TAXES, AND
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER

Boss and his Secretary

2008-08-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down.

His secretary walked up to him and asked, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' This was not a phrase that Her Boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his

Secretary had told him, finally understood. He then tentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk,

He said, 'When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked In there?'

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, 'No, Boss I didn't. All I saw

Was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tires.

ah beng and durians

2008-08-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ah Beng was on a motorbike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip.

Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians when they rode over a hump, Ah Beng heard a loud bang. He asked Ah Lian: 'Lewlian wu kalau boh?(durians got dropped or not?).'
Ah Lian shouted: 'boh kalau lah!'

So Ah Beng continued with the journey. When they reached home, Ah Beng got down from his motobike and was shocked to see that Ah Lian was not wearing a helmet.
He asked Ah Lian: 'Where is your helmet?'
Ah Lian was very angry and replied: 'Just now I already told you 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!'

The cycle of missing goes like this in Malaysia

2008-07-21T01:24:00.000-07:00

Get Vietnamese workers, dogs missing .
Get Ba ng ladeshi workers, Malay girls missing .
Get Indonesian workers, money missing .
Get Indian workers, jewelleries missing .
Get Chinese workers, husbands missing .
Call the police, the evidence goes missing ,
Call the lawyers, the judge go missing ,
Call the ministry of transport, the reports go missing
Change the government, funds go missing ,
Say something and you may be missing .

missing no good

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

2008-05-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there

is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Fwd: A Sardarji went to US (AWESOME)

2008-05-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.

Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me.

He takes him to a forest.

Bill: Dig the ground. Sardarji did it.

Bill: more...more. ..more... Sardarji went up to 100 feet.

Bill: So now, try to search something.

Sardarji: I got a wire.

Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India . Next year Bill was in India

Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. The same...he takes Bill to a forest.

Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does.

Sardarji : more...more. .m.?l. Bill goes up to almost 400 feet..

Sardarji : try to find something. Bill tries.

Sardarji : Did you get anything?

Bill : No, there is nothing here.

Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!

Ah beng (latest version)

2008-05-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his
Phone Book & said,'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud dad, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U
have come again.

===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except
the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

=========================================
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher
erases the board.

===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather
forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other
hand it would be hot.

==================================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

===================================================
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

===================================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense'
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

=====================================================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

=====================================================
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the evening and not
in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM

Fwd: WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

2008-04-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

HE : Can I buy you a drink?

SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.

SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?

SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?

SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?

SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?

SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?

SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.

SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS

(and men who may appreciate good humor)

Why I fired my Secretary.

2008-01-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning .

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me .

As it turned out, she barely said good morning,let alone "Happy Birthday . "

I thought . . .
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids . . .
They will remember .

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word . So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent .

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered .

I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me . "
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day .
Let's go !"

We went to lunch . But we didn't go where we normally would go .
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table .
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously .

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day . . .
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?"

I responded,"I guess not . What do you have in mind ?"
She said,"Let's drop by my apartment,it' s just around the corner . "

After arriving at her apartment,Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment .
I'll be right back . " "Ok . " I nervously replied .

She went into the bedroom and,after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . . .

Followed by my wife,my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday" .

And I just sat there . . .

On the couch . . .

Naked

Why parents age so fast

2008-01-16T06:19:00.001-08:00

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy , " whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
" ME ."

preview of marriage..

2008-01-10T02:04:00.000-08:00

TO THE MARRIED FOLKS, and a preview to the not-married ones!

Have a laugh Guys and Girls who can handle this too...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

THE END.

Solving Your Mid Life Crisis

2007-11-21T09:51:00.002-08:00

I have been married 40 years. I took a look at my
wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we
had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and
slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night
with a hot good-looking 18 year old. Now, we have
a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed,
money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a
58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are
not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to
go out and find a hot beautiful 18-year-old girl...
and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car,
no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to
solve your mid-life crisis.

Time To Relax

2007-11-21T09:51:00.001-08:00

NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u
can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for
it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby
than
have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

2007-11-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

Put about 100 bricks in some
particular order in a closed
room with an
open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
after 6 hours and then analyze
the situation.

If they are counting the
bricks.
Put them in the accounts
department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the
whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks
into pieces.
Put them in information
technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried
different combinations, yet
not a brick has
been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for
the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the
window.
Put them on strategic
planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
other and not a single brick
has been
moved.

Congratulate them and put them
in top management.

Malaysian Drivers

2007-11-20T08:36:00.000-08:00

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver

2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with
cigarette: KEPONG driver.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across
all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on
accelerator: JOHOR driver.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the
lap: BANGSAR driver.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA.

7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel,
talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on
steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the
Federal Highway!!!

8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on
brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window:
KARAK HIGHWAY ; KUANTAN driver.

9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL attitude,
rear window stickers read "Make my day", beer cans on floor, wedding
ribbon still attached to antenna: CONSTRUCTION SITE....PUCHONG driver!

10.One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose, One
leg on the dash board, another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can
in the middle ~ turning anywhere he likes, parking anywhere he likes, in
fact, driving anywhere he likes. aaahhh..... this is a heaven for
drivers......welcome to PENANG!

11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes glued on
the windscreen, alternately stepping on the accelerator and brakes every 5
seconds. WOMAN DRIVER!

3- Minute Management Course

2007-11-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

>> >6 EASY LESSONS
>> >
>> >Lesson 1
>> >
>> >A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
>>her
>> >shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
>>in a Towel
>> >and runs downstairs.
>> >
>> >When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
>>neighbor.
>> >Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop
>>that towel."
>> >After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
>>naked in
>> >Front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
>> >
>> >The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
>>she gets
>> >to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
>>the next
>> >door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "
>> >did he
>> >say anything about the £800 he owes me
>> >
>> >Moral of the story:
>> >
>> >If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
>>with your
>> >shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
>>avoidable
>> >exposure
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Lesson 2
>> >
>> >A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
>>forcing her
>> >gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
>>Controlling
>> >the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>> >
>> >The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed
>>his hand.
>> >But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The
>>nun Once
>> >again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised
>>"Sorry
>> >sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
>>went on her
>> >way.
>> >
>> >On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
>>129. It
>> >said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
>> >glory."
>> >
>> >Moral of the story:
>> >
>> >If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
>> >opportunity
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Lesson 3
>> >
>> >A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
>>to Lunch
>> >when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
>>out.
>> >
>> >The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
>>Me
>> >first!"
>> >says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a
>>speedboat,
>> >without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
>> >
>> >"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
>>Relaxing
>> >on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
>>Coladas
>> >and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
>> >
>> >"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
>>"I Want
>> >those two back in the office after lunch."
>> >
>> >Moral of the story:
>> >
>> >Always let your boss have the first
>> >say
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Lesson 4
>> >
>> >An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
>>rabbit Saw
>> >the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
>>nothing?"
>> >The
>> >eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
>>below The
>> >eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
>>rabbit and
>> >ate it.
>> >
>> >Moral of the story:
>> >
>> >To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
>>high up
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Lesson 5
>> >
>> >A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
>>get to The
>> >top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
>>energy."
>> >"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
>>bull.
>> >They're packed with nutrients."
>> >
>> >The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
>>him Enough
>> >strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
>>after eating
>> >some
>> >more dung, he reached the second branch.
>> >
>> >Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at
>>the top Of
>> >the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him dead.
>> >
>> >Moral of the story:
>> >
>> >Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Lesson 6
>> >
>> >A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
>>bird
>> >Froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
>>lying there,
>> >a Cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
>> >
>> >As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
>>Realize
>> >how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
>>there all
>> >warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
>> >
>> >A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...
>> >Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
>>of cow
>> >dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
>> >him.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Moral of the story:
>> >
>> >(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy
>> >
>> >(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your friend
>> >
>> >(3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep your mouth
>>shut!
>> >
>> >This ends the 3-minute management course !
>> >
>>--

Malaysian Hell

2007-11-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do
they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in
and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks
out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He
discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes
in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former
Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen for teh-tarik..."

Underwear Jokes

2007-11-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

A man went to an underwear company for a job interview.

The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job
is yours!

We pack our underwear in 7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. Why?

The man thinks for a moment and replies:

"The 7-packs are for Malaysian men: one for each day of the week.

The 5-packs are for "Mat Salleh" men: one each for Monday to Friday, and
they don't wear underwear on weekends.

The 12-packs are for Bangla, Pakistani and Indon men: one each for January, February, March ....."

He got the job...!!

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN AND A MAN

2007-11-20T08:32:00.000-08:00

>>GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>>Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,half wild,
>>naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
>>
>>Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
>>trade especially for someone with cash.
>>
>>Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
>>her own beauty.
>>
>>Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm
>>and desirable place to visit.
>>
>>Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past
>>mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
>>
>>Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
>>un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
>>
>>Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
>>conquering past but alas, no future.
>>
>>After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but
>>no one wants to go there.
>>
>>
>>
>>THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>>Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

Misc Mr Bean Jokes

2007-11-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

5) MARRIAGE:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

9) SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!

language problems...

2007-10-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London . The poor lady was not very
proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts . Again, she didn't know how to say breasts and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store...

( please scroll page down)...

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
What were you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to work........AHAHAHAHAHA?.

-------------------------------

Questions and Answers..

2007-10-18T09:25:00.001-07:00

Teacher: "Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?"
Simon: "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

--------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Your hair is very untidy. Why did you not comb it before coming to school?"
Boy: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Boy: "No hair, Sir."

--------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Where were you born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir ."

--------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Chong, you missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"

--------------------------------------------------
Father: "Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!"
Son: "That's why I say she's no good!"

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Class, what is the difference between'unlawful' and
'illegal'?"
Joan: " 'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal" is a sick eagle."

--------------------------------------------------
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24
hours to live."
Patient: "24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the
very bad news?"
Doctor : "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

--------------------------------------------------
Patient: "How much to have this tooth pulled?"
Dentist: "$90.00."
Patient: "$90.00 for just a few minutes work???"
Dentist: "I can extract it very slowly if you like."

-----------------------------------------------------
1st thief : "Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window"
2nd thief : "But this is the 13th floor."
1st thief : "Hurry! This is no time for superstitions."

--------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Do you love me?"
Husband: "Yes, dear."
Wife: "Would you die for me?"
Husband: "No, dear. Mine is undying love."

When I read about the effect of smoking in the newspaper, I stop smoking!
When I read about the effect of alcohol in the newspaper, I stop drinking!
When I read about the effect of sex in the newspaper, I stop reading newspaper!

_________________

2 employees were caught naked and having sex in the office by the guard.
GUARD : Aha! Violating company rules!
MAN : What rule?
GUARD : Not wearing uniforms.

_______________

A husband was asked : Do you talk to you wife after sex?
His answer : Depends, if I can find a phone.

___________________

questions a husband should never ask his wife.

2007-10-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

>> >> >I'm sure you'll never ask your Mom or your Wife this question all
>> >>>your life.... after you've read this mail:
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>A father came home and found his three children outside, still in
>> >>>their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers
>>
>> >>>strewn all around the front yard.
>> >>>
>> >>>The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
>> >>>house and there was no sign of the dog.
>> >>>
>> >>>Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had
>> >>>been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
>> >>>
>> >>>In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the
>> >>>family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
>> >>>
>> >>>In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
>>
>> >>>the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on
>> >>>the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of
>> >>>sand
>> >> spread by
>> >>>the back door.
>> >>>
>> >>>He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
>>
>> >>>clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill,or that
>> >>>something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of
>> >>>water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside
>> >>>he
>> >> found wet
>> >>>towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
>> >>>
>> >>>Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared
>> >>>over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his
>> wife
>> >>>still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
>> >>>
>> >>>She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked
>> >>>at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>>She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
>> >>>home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
>> >>>
>> >>>"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Phua Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius

2007-10-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?

PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses ?

PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh ?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn ..........

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not ?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ......... you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.

PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!

This is how business works

2007-10-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

*Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
*Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
*Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

*Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

*Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

*Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

*Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Chinese Names - Annie Wan

2007-10-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone)
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan( someone ). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan( no one ) was
involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being

sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then
the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't

have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee. ( sorry )

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

4 jokes to light up your day

2007-10-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

(1) Liar: A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why does u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

(2) Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

(3) Chinese Adam and Eve: If Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

(4) Cyber Child > >"Daddy? How did I come into this world?

""Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way. "

" So why not today? Please!

""OK, but listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus. "

Escaped Convict

2007-10-09T11:24:00.001-07:00

Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain . do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.If he gets angry, he could kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.Be strong honey.
I love you, too!"

Subject: Pope driving

2007-10-08T10:16:00.001-07:00

>>
>> > > This is a real good one, enjoy>>>>>>>>
>> >
>> >
>> > After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage
>> loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the
> driver
>> notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
>> >
>> >
>> > "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,"
>> Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
>> > "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
>> "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
>> cardinal,
> and I'd
>> really like to drivetoday."
>> >
>> >
>> > "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd
>> > lose my job! And what if something should happen?"
>> protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
> morning.
>> >
>>> "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something
>>> extra in
>> > it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
>> >
>> >
>> > Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs
>> > in
>> behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision
> when, after
>> exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it,accelerating the
> limo to105 mph.
> (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
>> >
>> >
>> > > "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver,
>> > but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear
> sirens.
>> >
>> >
>> > "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!"
>> > moans
> the driver.
>> >
>> > The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
>> > approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to
>> > his
>> > motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
>> >
>> > "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
> The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
>> he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
>> >
>> > "So bust him," says the Chief.
>> > "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
>> > said
> the cop.
>> >
>> >
>> > The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
>> >
> "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of
> persistence.
>> >
>> >
>> > The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
>> >
>> > Cop: "Bigger."
>> >
>> > Chief: "The Governor?"
>> >
>> > Cop: "Bigger."
>> >
>> >
>> > Chief: "The President?"
>> >
>> >
>> > Cop: "Bigger."
>> >
>> >
>> > "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
>> >
>> > Cop: "I think it's God!"
>> >
>> > The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you
>> > think it's God?"
>> >
>> > Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
>> >

Feeling old ?

2007-10-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Like those? Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laff !

Can you beat this Logic?

2007-10-04T02:42:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court.
But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world,
She should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The Judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence,
The man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, but the man won!

Maggi Mee Vs Siew Pau

2007-10-04T02:40:00.000-07:00

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau
up until it had bruises on its pau body.

Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family;

kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc.

So together?.. all paus went to find maggi mee for revenge.

On the way... they met Spaghetti?... so all pau ran to Spaghetti and

BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can't say a word,
Spaghetti then scream...

"WHAT DID I DO? I don't even know you all"???.

Then the siew pau say??..

"HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do
REBONDING!"

Malaysian Marriage Life Before and After !!

2007-09-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

>Before marriage. .
> Darling here.. darling there...
>After marriage.
> Baling here... baling there..
>
>Before marriage. .
>I die for you. . .
>After marriage.
>"You die, up to you. "
>Lagi lama married. .
>You die I help you!
>

>Before marriage. .
>You go anywhere. . I follow you.
>After marriage. . .
>You go anywhere. . up to you .
>Lagi lama married. . .
>You go anywhere better get lost!!
>

>Before wedding
>you are my heart, you are my love"
>After wedding
>"you get on my nerves. "
>

>Before wedding
>"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
>After wedding
>"you are worse than godzila"
>

>Before wedding
>Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
>After wedding
>Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
>

>Before wedding
>Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
>After wedding
>You want to go, he says you wait-la
>

>Before wedding
>She looks like Anita Sarawak
>After wedding
>Don't know whether katak or biawak

[edit additional]
>>Before wedding
>>Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill After wedding Furthest
>>you go is Maxwell Hill
>>
>>Before wedding
>>He opens the car door
>>After wedding
>>He opens his mouth and snores
>>
>>Before wedding
>>She / he was your ideal
>>After wedding
>>She / he becomes your ordeal

Marketing Concepts

2007-09-04T07:11:00.002-07:00

> A Professor was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:-
> 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
>"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing.
> 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
>One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
>"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising.
> 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
>telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
>Marry me." - That's Telemarketing.
> 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
>your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the
>door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
>offer her ride and then say: By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" -
>That's Public Relations.
> 5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
>says: You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand
>Recognition.
> 6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
>I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your
>face. - That's Customer Feedback.
> 7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
>"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
>- That's demand and supply gap.
> 8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
>you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich.
>Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating
>into your market share.
> 9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
>you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's
>restriction for entering new markets.

MALAYSIAN ASTRONAUTS

2007-09-04T07:11:00.001-07:00

> American Spaceman is called Astronaut
> Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
> Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
>
> Malaysian Spaceman? - Can-or-naut!
>
>
> Dr. M was thinking about sending somebody into space. Three potential
> can-a-nauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one
> Chinese.
>
> Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous
> mission. How much do you think you should be paid?"
>
> Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."
> "Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
> "Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come back!" replied Muthu.
>
> "That's understandable," says Dr. M. "Thank you...please ask the Malay
> guy to come here,"
>
> So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
>
> "Alamak!...2 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.
>
> "Two million? That's twice as much! Even the aneh before you
> asked for only one million."
>
>
> "You see, Datuk," explains Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15
> children ... With 20 of us, it is a big family to support when I am
> gone...!"
>
>
> "I see," says Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come then?"
>
>
> The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, given this is a very
> risky mission, how much do you want?"
> Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "3 million."
>
> Mahathir appears shocked. "What?!? 3 million! Why so much?"
>
>
> Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer. He quietly whispers into his ear,
> "Datuk, one million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more
> million to send that aneh into space lah!"

TWO MEN & A LADY

2007-09-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island
They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island
They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his
advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was
rejected by both.

And finally....

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how
to proceed.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMEN AT THE AGES OF 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, AND 58 ?

2007-09-03T10:07:00.002-07:00

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story

Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage

2007-09-03T10:07:00.001-07:00

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4. It is very important that these three women never met!

lik tis oso can

2007-08-28T03:41:00.001-07:00

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin
of their dead mother arrived from the US .

It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the
coffin, with no space left in it . When they opened
the lid , they found a letter on top................
which read as follows ::

Dear brothers and sisters,

I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was
her wish that she should be cremated in the compound
of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not
come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12
cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets
of Badam.

Please divide the same among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok
shoes(size 10) for Mohan.

There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Kala's and
Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is
wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for
Mohan.

Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left
wrist.

Shanta Aunty, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and
ring that you asked for.

Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be
divided among my teenager nephews.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything
more is required let me know as Bapa is also not
feeling too well nowadays...

THOSE WHO ARE BORN IN THE 50s and 60s/ early '70s in Msia

2007-08-28T03:37:00.000-07:00

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time.

They took aspirin, candies floss,fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention

As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/ motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat.

We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle.

We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV ray which never seem to affect us.

We go to jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes.

With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would ran like crazy for hours.

We catch guppy in drains / canals and when it rain we swim there.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually worry about being unhygenic.

We ate salty, very sweet & oily food, candies,bread and real butter and drank very sweet soft sweet coffee/ tea, ice karang, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, till streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours repairing our old bicycles and wooden scooters out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, multiple channels on cable TV, DVD movies, no surround sound, no phones, no personal computers, no Internet.WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the stunts.

We were never birthdays parties till we are 21,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 40 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS: -The big type is because Long-sightedness or hyperopia at your age .

*Blogger's note. the big type font has been changed to normal sized fonts to accommodate space.

Japanese Embassy in US

2007-08-28T03:36:00.000-07:00

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training
before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori:
"Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say
'how are you'.

Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?"

Now you should say 'me too'.

Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is ..

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said : "Who Are You ?".

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor : "Well,
I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

Malaysian Jokes

2007-08-28T03:35:00.000-07:00

> > >1) Malaysian Jokes
> > >
> > >THE GENIE
> > >
> > >A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a
> > >magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two
> > >wishes,
> > >Macha.."
> > >
> > >The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a
> > >Chinaman!
> > >Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair
> > >jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in
>hand.
> > >As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own
> > >reflection.
> > >
> > >Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion.
> > >The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained "Are you
> > >deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a
> > >Chinaman!"
> > >
> > >I don't want to be a Chinaman because they cheat, lie and con their way
>to
> > >become rich..."
> > >
> > >The genie reminded him that he's entitled to one more wish "What do you
> > >want then, Muthu?"
> > >To which Muthu quickly replied "I just want to be rich and I don't want
>to
> > >work!"
> > >
> > >Poof! He was transformed into a Bumiputra...
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------
> > >
> > >THE PRINTING PRESS
> > >
> > >What do you get when you put 100 Chinamen under a printing press?
> > >The Yellow Pages
> > >
> > >What do you get when you put 100 Indians under a printing press? A
> > >year's supply of carbon paper.
> > >
> > >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > >
> > >WHEN YOU DRIVE A PROTON SAGA ...................
> > >
> > >What's the first thing that come to your mind when you see a Chinese man
> > >driving a BMW?
> > >A pimp.
> > >
> > >What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Malay man
> > >driving a BMW?
> > >Ahmad.
> > >
> > >What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see an Indian man
> > >driving a BMW?
> > >
> > >A car jockey.
> > >
> > >What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Bhai
>driving
> > >a BMW?
> > >A car repossessor.
> > >
> >
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > >
> > >
> > >2) Joke on Singapore
> > >
> > >Once during the gulf war, the President of USA, and the Prime Ministers
>of
> > >UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship that was cruising near
> > >S.Arabia.
> > >
> > >The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion
> > >soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of
> > >their own soldiers.
> > >
> > >The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called
> > >his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this
> > >ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", jumped into
> > >the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks
> > >chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came
> > >up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The
> > >proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".
> > >
> > >The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He had to show. He called his
> > >3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds
> > >around This ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir",
> > >jumped into
> > >the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the
>sharks
> > >chasing him like gila!(lunatic). After the successful 10 rounds the
>3-star
> > >General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!".
> > >The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
> > >
> > >The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan. He had to show that his
> > >soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private, Ah Beng and said
> > >"Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!".
> > >The Private replied "Oi, you siao(crazy) izzit? I juz bought my condo and
>I
> > >Am paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die? If u want to
> > >Hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself ! @#*&%F!........
> > >The Singapore PM grinned and said "Now,that's what I call guts!"

Playing with Trains

2007-08-28T03:34:00.000-07:00

Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*astards who
want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And
all of you b*astards who are getting on, get you're a*ss in the
train cause we're going down the tracks."

The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said
"we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you
may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the
little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is
no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your
complaints to the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

Three Sardarjis

2007-08-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps. They agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30 . Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys are in my pocket only".

With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor. After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

.

...

....

....

" This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this".

Facts?: U never knew that.....

2007-08-28T03:32:00.000-07:00

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green .

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
can read it..........

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer bein the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Perspectives of marriages

2007-08-28T03:31:00.002-07:00

> Shut-up
>
> If your dog is barking at the back door
> and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first
> ? The Dog of course ....... at least it will shut up after you let him

> in !
>
>
> ========================================
>
> Three Children
>
> A couple had three children.
> Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome
> but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
>
> One day the hubby got suspicious and asked :
> " Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine ? "
>
> " Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " ...... but the other two are not. "
>
>
> ========================================
>
> Qualities of a Wife
>
> When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities -----
> She is an economist in the kitchen,
> an aristocrat in the living room
> and a devil in bed.
> After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain,
> but not in the same order anymore.
> She becomes an aristocrat in the kitchen,
> a devil in the living room
> and an economist in bed.
>
>
> =======================================
>
>
> Wishing Well
>
> A couple came upon a wishing well.
> The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
> The wife decided to make a wish too.
> But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned
immediately.
> The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said :
> " Gosh ! It really works! "
>
>
> ========================================
>
> Plain Lazy
>
> The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
> around the house that he used to do.
>
> When the examination was complete, he said,
> " Now, Doc, I can take it.
> Tell me in plain English ---- what is wrong with me ? "
>
> " Well, in plain English ", the doctor replied, " you're just lazy.
> "
>
> " Okay, " said the man.
> " Now give me the really complicated medical term
> so that I can tell my wife. "
>
>
> ========================================
>
> Wedding Anniversary
>
> I asked my wife : " Where do you want to go on our anniversary ? "
> She said : " Oh ! Somewhere I have never been before ! "
> I told her : " How about the kitchen ? "
>
>
> ========================================
>
> The Marriage is .
>
> How do most men define marriage?
> An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
>
> ========================================
>
> Happiest Hour
>
> During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband,
> " Do you remember when you proposed to me,
> I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour? "
> The hubby replied :
> " Yes, honey, that was indeed the happiest hour of my married life.
> "
>
>
> ========================================
>
> Holding Hands
>
> We always hold hands.
> If I let go, she shops !

HR

2007-08-28T03:31:00.001-07:00

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human
Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up
in
Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems
we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a
Human Resources Manager make it this far, and we're not really sure what to
do with you."

"No worries, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
a lift and it went down-down-down to Hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and in
front of her were all her fellow executive friends that she had worked with,
and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where
she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was
actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time
telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she
knew
it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as
she got on the lift.

The lift went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found
St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he
said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in
Hell
and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity". The
woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well,! I never thought I would
say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great, but I had a better time in
Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found
herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw that
her
friends were dressed in rags and picking up garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand, yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country
club
and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a
waste
and and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

The moral of this story:
Never believe what you see in the company or what they promised you.
It turns out to be shit always.

The Best Banker

2007-08-28T03:30:00.002-07:00

>> One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another from
>> Maybank, went for a walk. They were old buddies from
>> school, and they
>> were remembering the tough old days they went as students
>> together.
>>
>> For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant.
>>
>> Being from the same field and the same school, there is little bit of
>> peer competition going on, so when he saw this elephant, an
>> idea
>> clicked the Citibanker, he said to the others "Why don't we
>> prove who
>> is the best among us?".
>>
>> The others, of course, agreed.
>>
>> Then the Citibank said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this
>> elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank".
>>
>> They all agreed and started.
>>
>> Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the
>> elephant laugh by telling jokes (In this story, the
>> elephant do
>> understand the language, boleh la). Of course it stayed
>> still.
>>
>> As a more practical guy, the HSBC guy tried to make funny
>> gestures...and the elephant still stood firm.
>>
>> Now, it?s the Maybanker turn. Being the tomorrow -can- do- it guy, he
>> whispered something to the elephant, and it laughed at him
>> while
>> pointing its trunk at him. The other two were astonished.
>>
>> How come this Maybanker beat them?
>>
>> So the HSBC guy said "OK, let's make another test. Let's make this
>> elephant cry".
>>
>> So there they went again.
>>
>> The Citibanker told sad stories,
>>
>> The HSBC guy made sad gestures,
>>
>> and they fail again.
>>
>> Then, the Maybanker whispered something again in the elephant's ear
>> and it just cried, weeping and patting away.
>>
>> This can't be, thought the other two.
>>
>> So the Citibanker said "OK, you've won twice. If you can
>> win this
>> test, we will bow to you. Let's make this elephant run".
>>
>> He went and barked to the elephant orders to run. Of
>> course, it stayed still.
>>
>> The HSBC guy pushes the elephant and stabs it with stake to make it
>> run, it stayed still.
>>
>> So...our Maybanker comes to it and whispers something again in its
>> ear and the elephant ran and ran as fast as it could, as if it
>> was scared
>> to death.
>>
>> The other two surrendered.
>>
>> "OK, you're the best, pal. You work for a very good Bank; not even
>> our global bankers can beat you. Do tell us your secret".
>>
>> "Well" said the Maybanker
>>
>> "The first time I made it laugh, I said "Maybank is the
>> best bank ".
>>
>> "When I made it cry, I told the elephant how much I get paid".
>>
>> "And when I made it run scared to death, I said to it,
>>
>> "Why don't you join Maybank?"

Engineer Vs Management

2007-08-28T03:30:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west

longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is

technically correct, but I've no idea what to make use of your

information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been

much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"

The perfect test for your husband-to-be

2007-08-28T03:29:00.001-07:00

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make
love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you
want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she
pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

Lessons in Logic

2007-08-28T03:25:00.002-07:00

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.......................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.......................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.......................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.......................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.......................................................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.......................................................................

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.......................................................................

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

.......................................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.......................................................................

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.......................................................................

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.......................................................................

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.......................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.......................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

.......................................................................

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.......................................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

.......................................................................

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

.......................................................................

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

.......................................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

.......................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

Here are five funny phone answering machine messages

2007-08-28T03:25:00.001-07:00

(a). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We
can't pick up the phone right now, because we're
doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to
right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth we'l! l get back to
you.

(b). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone
company, I've already sent the money. If you are
my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me
money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money.

(c). Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding
someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if
I don't call back, it's you.

(d). Please leave a message. However, you have
the right to remain silent. Everything you say
will be recorded and will be used by us.

(e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting)..
Hi,you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh)
Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again...
(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just
leave your name and number and he'll call you as
soon as he...comes

100 kisses

2007-08-28T03:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart

ah beng looking for wife

2007-08-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

> This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his
> mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and
> introduce to Ahbeng.
> The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :
> 1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
> 2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
> 3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor
>
> Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of
> < http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6222/815/1600/wife.jpg>
>
> chatting with the girls his mother asked him.
>
> Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?
> Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most
> Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not
bad
> leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna
goto
> skool also easy
> Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!
> Ahkew : Why dunwan?
> Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO
AGAIN!!!
> I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very
tiring
> everynite I can die one ahmah!
> Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian
> Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say
"WAIT
> A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood
to
> make baby la?
> Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus
conductor
> only wor!!! Where got future one ?
> Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL,
those
> women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM
> SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!!" (in yingrish it means
"go in
> behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!!
> deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one
!!!!

God, the man and Cars

2007-08-28T03:21:00.000-07:00

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: I just saw my wife on rollerskates!

The Bishop and The Donkey

2007-08-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey
in another race. The next day, the local paper
headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The
pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it
to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day...

Moral of the story is...

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you
much grief and misery... and even shorten your life.

Who says Malaysian English is teruk..

2007-08-28T03:15:00.000-07:00

It is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc.........
For example:-

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater in your size but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?

Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time �€� Do I know you?

Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.

Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it �€� here let me show you

Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me

Malaysians:Celaka u

Donkey -

2007-08-28T03:12:00.000-07:00

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Enough of that crap. Later The donkey came back and kicked the sh*t out of the farmer who tried to bury him.

Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

Two star crossed Lovers

2007-08-28T03:11:00.000-07:00

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter,

who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner.

When the girl's father came to know about their love,

he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave

their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching

for the two lovers but could not find them.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come

back home in a local newspaper.

Her father said "If you both come back I will allow

you to marry. I accept that you love each other truly."

So in this way, their love won and they returned home.

The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress.

He was dressed in a white shirt that day. While he was crossing the

road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancee, a car came and

hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only

after some time that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and

cremation was the very next day as he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an

old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the

blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon

as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.

Then when the girl had the same dream the next night,

she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked

her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately.

She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same

dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady

gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something

terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains,

and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while she was alone

at home, someone knocked the door. When she opened

the door she saw the same old lady in her dream standing at her door.

She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue

object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?"

The old lady replied...

"DYNAMO Liquid Soap..."

I know how you all are feeling... I went through the same.

But don't look at me like that leh... a monkey who mailed this to me!

From 5Cs to 5 Bs

2007-08-28T03:05:00.000-07:00

Well.....here is something to link the 5cs to the newer 5 bs !

I don't need a *CAR *, but I want a *BMW **?*

I don't need a *CONDO *, but I want a *BUNGALOW **?*

I don't need you to have *CASH * but I want you to own a *BANK **?*

I don't need you to have a *CAREER * but I want you to be a *BOSS *

It's interesting for you to read!

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore * 5C's *! :
*
Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career *

Heard of the *5B's *?
*
B - BMW **
**
B - Body **
**
B - Brain **
**
B - Billionaire **
**
B - Bungalow **?*

And, and addition with the *5K's * .....................
*
Kiasu (scared of losing) **
**
Kiasee (scared of dying) **
**
Kiabor (scared of wife) **
**
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing) **
**
Kiachenghu (scared of government) **?*

We've been reading about the 5C's! and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes
the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent...

Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living : *
1 - One Wife **?**
2 - Two Children **?**
3 - Three Bedroom Condo **?**
4 - Four Wheels **?**
5 - Five Figure Salary **?*

Malaysia's Malays "practice" to Simple Living: *
5 - Five Children **?**
4 - Four Wives **?**
3 - Three Figure Salary **?**
2 - Two Wheels **?**
1 - One-Storey Link House *

9 more stories of ah lian and ah beng

2007-08-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

>Story 1
>Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee,
boh?
>Ah Chek: Lu siao ah! Stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got
up
to the 'nee'(breast) one.
>

>Story 2
>Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to
show
it to her.
>So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to
his
girlfriend.
>"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
>Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
>"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
>Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
>So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the
>accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into
>the lamp-post. "Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see la! Wah
>Piang eh!"
screamed
Ah Beng.
>"Solee, solee, pai sah la! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"*
>

>Story 3
>The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the
>captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy
waters
to make room for women and children.
>To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped. To
>the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied. To the
>Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed. To the Japanese he
>said," It's the consensus." They obliged. Then came the Singaporean and

>they just weren't budging until he came
up
>with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
>

>Story 4
>3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to
collect underwear.
>The sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
>Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
>Ah Beng : (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
>Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
>Ah Beng : Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
>Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
>Mat : (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
>Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
>Mat : Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
>Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?
>Tambi : (very confidently) 12 Sarjen!
>Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?
>Tambi : January, February, March.....One month one.
>

>Story 5
>Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted
the
DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng
buys bread).The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told
them to
re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a
big
fuss, claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene
in order to calm them down. Finally, after long talk with Ah Bengs,
manager found out that Ah Bengs actually asking for the song "Unchained
Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
>

>Story 6
>One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to
get
down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see
the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they
not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what the the
letter G meant. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit the "G"
button. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian
was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, "Wah low!, how you know
one?" The first Ah Lian replied smugly, "Easy la, G for Gero mah."
>

>Story 7
>Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided
to
>apply for a job in the most prestigious "Lee & Lee Law Firm". During
the
interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume,
>thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your
application with my wife."
>And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee KY's
wife
said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames
beginning with 'Lee' only?
>Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!" So Lee KY told the bad news to
Santa Singh about his rejection.
>Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request
for
another interview and
>Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire...
'
when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just
changed my name.' Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked,
"What is your new name then?" On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname
Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Li)
>

>Story 8
>A gas station was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a
sign
saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local guy pulled in, filled
his
tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a
number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The guy then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same guy,
along with a friend, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his
free sex.The proprietor again gave him the same story and ask him to
guess the correct number. The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the
proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this
time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his friend, "I think
that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."His friend
replied, "No it ain't, rigged --- my wife won twice last week!!"

>Story 9
>One day, there was an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and
Bangladeshi
travelling on a private helicopter. After about one hour traveling, the
American took out his Cigarette (Dunhill) lighted it up and start
smoking after two sip, he threw the balance of the cigarette.The other
three persons were surprised and asked, "Why didn't you finish-up the
cigarette before throwing?" He replied arrogantly "there is a lot of
cigarette in my country". Half an hour later the Italian took a bottle
of branded perfume and applied it and the rest he throw out of the
window. The other three persons were again taken by surprise and asked,
"Why did you throw away the
>perfume?" The Italian replied, "there is a lot of perfume in my
country".
The Singaporean did't know what to do & suddenly push that Bangladeshi
out of the helicopter. The other two persons shouted crazily, "Why did
you push him?" The Singaporean said slowly, "There is a lot of
Bangladeshi in my country!".

Polish joke

2007-08-28T03:02:00.000-07:00

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very
well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on their
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

"Polish Remover".

WHY SINGAPOREAN Girls CAN'T WIN MISS UNIVERSE

2007-08-28T03:00:00.000-07:00

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore
> Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe
> representative were of tertiary level education or higher was
> because of the following incident which occurred not too many
> years ago.
> It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the
3
> finalists,
> Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked
3
> simple questions:
>
> MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance
> starting with "L"
> Miss USA: Lamp
> Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
> Miss Singapore: LADIO
> Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
>
> MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an
> animal starting with the letter "L"
> Miss USA: Lion
> Miss Malaysia: Leopard
> Miss Singapore: LABBIT
> Judge: No, no, no!
>
> MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts
> with "L"
> Miss USA: Lexus
> Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
> Miss Singapore: Lolls- Loyce
> Judge: Oh my God!
>
> MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit
> starting with the letter "L"
> Miss USA: Lemon
> Miss Malaysia: Lychee
> Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says:
> LIEWLIAN!!
>
>
> This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the
> board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should
> really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss
> Singapore was having so many problems
> with the letter "L", they decided to give her another
> chance.
>
> Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy
> starting with the letter "L"
> Miss USA: Lung (applause)
> Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
> Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU!! The Judges fainted..!!!
>
>

ATM Cash Withdrawals

2007-08-28T02:59:00.000-07:00

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM?
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM?
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on.

Variations of Mathematics in Daily Use

2007-08-28T02:58:00.000-07:00

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

9 Stories..

2007-08-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

Story No:01

Husband climbs on the bed naked.
Wife: I have a headache.
Husband: Good! I have powdered it with aspirin. U want to take it orally or
as an injection.

Story No:02
Three fastest means of communication:
1. E-Mail
2. Telephone
3. Television
4. Tell-a-woman

Story No:03
One day, DUREX complained to KOTEX: " Every time u work, I gotta 7-9
days off!"
KOTEX retorted: "Whenever u make a mistake during work, I gotta take 9
months leave".

Story No:04
A man called his 4th wife - Baby doll, 3rd wife - China doll, 2nd wife - Barbie doll & 1st wife - Guess What? Panadol

Story No:05
Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife: "Look at that
75kg of pure dynamite".

Wife replies: "It is a shame though about the 2 inches fuse".

Story No:06
Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like
condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when
you are down.

Story No:07
Man tell MP: My son's a drug addict, my daughte's a prostitute, and my
wife's a gambler.
MP: Isn't there anything positive in your family?
Man: Yes, I am HIV positive.

Story No:08
What is common between a wife and a private swimming pool??
Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you
spend inside them!!!

Story No:09
Naked girl boarded a taxi. Driver stared.
Girl scolded him, "Never seen a naked girl before?
Driver replied "Yes! Seen many before but wondering where you keep your
money to pay taxi fare."

Sick Leave Number 2 ..(too good!)

2007-08-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

I urgently needed a few days off work,
but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss would
think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
the Boss asked her

"...And where do you think you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

Sick leave

2007-08-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

I NO COME WORK TODAY

Hung Cheong calls the office and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I vely vely sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs ache, I no come work."

The manager says, "You know something, Cheong, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. Why won't you try that?"

Two hours later Hung Cheong calls again. "I do what you say and I feel vely good. I come work vely quick. And Boss,

You house vely nice."

Don't be too kind to bosses

2007-08-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

> This story tells us not to be "too kind" to our bosses as it is
> >>not
> >>worth the effort to be nice to them.
> >>
> >> Here it goes:
> >>
> >>
> >> There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a
> >>house guard.
> >>
> >>One day,while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning
> >>flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard
> >>house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate.
> >>
> >>
> >>He said "Sir..Sir. are you going to board a plane?"
> >>
> >>"Yes, why?" asked the millionaire.
> >>
> >>"You had better cancel the trip.You see, last night I dreamt about the
> >>plane going to crash."
> >>
> >>Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the
> >>multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip.
> >>
> >>"You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal." The
> >>following day, there were news reports that the plane which the
> >>millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. "Thank God I
> >>cancelled the trip,." the rich man said. Realising that what Jaga Singh
> >>had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.
> >>
> >>When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his
> >>salary and FIRED him.
> >>
> >>WHY?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Think first....
> >>
> >>
> >>Use your brains
> >>
> >>
> >>Use your brains!!!!!
> >>
> >>Still no idea??
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Come on...... it is very easy....
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Still drawing a blank????
> >>
> >>Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's
> >>life........
> >>
> >>OK-lah, since you do not want to "use your brains" like Jaga Singh
> >>before you talk to your boss..........
> >>
> >>Just scroll down for the answer...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Just scroll down...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Just scroll down...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Okay...useless brains tired already... give you the Answer
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>ANSWER:
> >>Jaga Singh was supposed to guard the house at night ...NOT to Sleep and
> >>Dream all night!!!!!
> >>
> >>So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life as he will
> >>drop you at the first sight of trouble to save his skin!!
> >>
> >>It's not worth it!!!

another collection of jokes

2007-08-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her
that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their
friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your
Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your
life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from
Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please
PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT be PUNISH ED TWICE for the same
Mistake.

drunk and fall down

2007-08-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time,
to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that
would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his
face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his
bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been
out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent
expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

Tiger woods in ireland joke

2007-08-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical
Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
"hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees
fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."

Don't u ever try this kind of excuses to ur Lecturer n to ur Dean

2007-08-24T09:05:00.002-07:00

>Who is clever ?

Teacher or student??

One Night 4 College Students Were
>Playing Till Late Night And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled
>For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made
>themselves look asdirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up
>to the Dean andsaid that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on
>their returnthe tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all
>the wayback and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.So
>the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and
>said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before
>the Dean. The Dean said that asthis was a Special Condition Test, All four
>were required to sit inseperate classrooms for the test.They all agreed as
>they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions
>with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )

Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right .....!!!

True story from IIT Bombay
>...Batch 1992-96

why is it so important to learn english in malaysia.

2007-08-24T09:05:00.001-07:00

CLASSIC!!....

Inilah jadinya kalau tak belajar bahasa inggeris kat sekolah!!!!
Hancus...F9 SPM....sekadar renungan bersama Tijah budak kampung, tapi bekerja di Kuala Lumpur.
Biasalah bila sudah duduk "town", mula lupa asal usul. Pakaian seksi maut, bercinta pula dgn lelaki mat saleh. Ke hulu ke hilir menayang boyfriendnya yg bermata biru.

Punyalah eksyen si Tijah, hinggalah suatu hari dia ternampak lelaki Inggeris tadi dgn wanita lain yg lebih cantik dan bergaya daripadanya. Tijah menangis tiga hari tiga malam. Pada malam ke empat, Tijah mengambil sehelai kertas dan menulis surat untuk memutuskan perhubungannya dgn lelaki mat saleh tadi yg
baru sebulan dikenalinya.

Begini bunyi surat yg ditulis oleh Tijah binti Kulup Kecil, yg berjaya "dicuri" ...

*********** ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ****************** **

Mike....

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US.

I have think about this very cook-cook. I know I clap one hand only. Correctly, I have seen you and she walk-walk together at town with eyes myself. You grab hand she.

You always ask for apology back-back. I don't trust you again! You are really crocodile land.

My friend speak you play wood three. First-first I think my friend lie me. But now I know you correct-correct play wood three.

So, I break connection to pull my body from this love triangle. I know his result I pick is very correct, because you love she very high from me.

So, I cut this connection to go far from here. I don't want you to play-play with my liver. I have been crying until no more eye water thinking about you. I
don't want banana to fruit two times.

Safe walk..
Tijah binti Kulup Kecil

teka teki yang perlu diberi penampar...

2007-08-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

Sila baca dengan hati yang tenang....

TEKA-TEKI YANG PERLU DIBERI PENAMPAR !!!

1) Lubang ape yang rasanye hangat, nikmat dan nyaman?
Answer: LUBANGun pagi2, tarik selimut pastu lu tido balik....

2) Minyak ape yang disukai oleh lelaki?
Answer: MINYAKsikan pertandingan bolasepak Liga-M opp!!! salah EPL laaa

3) Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya di luar?
Answer: Kuih salah bikin.

4) Binatang ape yang power dlm bab berKarate?
Answer: Kuda belang....cube kira brape black belt dia ade.

5) Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit?
Answer: Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut tolong pulangkan kepada
saye.

6) Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10 org pun tak leh nak tolak?
Answer: Pintu yang ade tulis 'TARIK'

7) Saya ade 3 kepala, 4 tangan dan 5 kaki...siapakah saya?
Answer: Pembohong...

8) Apa dia 'Jauh di mata, dekat di hati'?
Answer: Usus

9) Binatang ape yang seluruh anggota tubuhnya kat kepala?
Answer: Kutu rambut

10) Nenek sape jalannya meloncat-loncat?
Answer: Neneknye si katak

11) Kenape lelaki jarang kene penyakit anjing gila?
Answer: Sbb lelaki ni kan 'buaya'

12) Ape beza sekretari baik ngan sekretari kurang baik?
Answer: Sekretari baik.................. 'Selamat pagi Boss' Sekretari
kurang baik........... 'Dah pagi ni Boss'

13) Ape persamaan Michael Jordan ngan Michael Jackson?
Answer: Dua-dua tak kenal korang...heheheh

14) Tukang ape yang kalau dipanggil, die menjenguk ke atas?
Answer: Tukang gali kubur

15) Nak mencari sikit punye susah, bile dah dapat buang, ape bendanya?
Answer: Tahi hidung

16) Ape persamaan kain jemuran ngan telefon?
Answer: Dua-dua kalau dah 'kringgg' bole diangkat...

17) Knape pokok kelapa kat depan rumah harus ditebang?
Answer: Mestilah kene tebang, sape nak cabut pokok kelapa ....gile
ape...

18) Gajah terbang dengan ape?
Answer: Dengan susah payah......

Girl Math

2007-08-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But
return with

Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is

something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy

(-2)

Named Rita (-4)

Rita is a dancer (-6)

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the

colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, 'Where?' (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks

like a concerned __expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the poor fellas for info & to the gals for a good laugh !

updated version of smokers joke

2007-08-24T09:01:00.002-07:00

I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro,
In the Salem high country
I Always carry a MildSeven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke
Her name Was YSL
We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into room number 555
I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!"
You are riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she is satisfied
She answered" I want MORE!!!!"
Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to
enter her Gudang Garam.
She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna!!

Commonly used phrases at the office and... what they really mean!

2007-08-24T09:01:00.001-07:00

1) For your information. (FYI)
- I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2) For your action. (FYA)
- I don't know what to do with this, so I'm passing this shit to you.

3) Noted and returned.
- I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it for a little while.

4) Review and comment.
- Do the dirty work so that I can forward it and sign off with my name.

5) Action please.
- Get yourself involved. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

6) For your necessary action.
- It's your headache now. Woohoo!!!

7) CC to
- Here's a share of the headache.

8) BCC to
- I'm telling someone important that I'm working and sharing the headache with you.

9) For your approval, please.
- Put your neck on the chopping board for me please. :D

10) Action is being taken and will revert in due time.
- I lost your correspondence and still trying to locate it.
- I¡¯m busy! Bother me next week!!!

11) Please discuss.
- I don't know what this is all about. So please brief me.

12) For your immediate action.
- Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble!!!

13) Please reply soon.
- Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient because of you!

14) I am investigating/ processing your request with the relevant departments.
- They are causing the delay, not me! (Eyes open big big, innocent look)

15) Thanks & Regards.
- Thanks for reading all this bullshit.

Prospective Indian Son-in-law

2007-08-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

> Ad from Bangalore - just in case you guys are looking for an Indian
> son-in-law
>
>
> Dear Madame,
>
> I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru.
>
> Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to
> press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
>
> I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot
> tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because
> I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like
> cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come
> running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is
> scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
>
> I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am
> jolly. I am gay.
>
> Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always
> giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on
> top. That is how nice I am.
>
> I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not
> sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym
> and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If
> you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in
> the gym.
>
> I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for
> you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.
>
> What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That
> is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house
> and take my things into your hand.
>
> If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you
> very hardly every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in
> the gym.
>
> If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press
> you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head in between
> your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am
> waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
>
> Hope you will be Expecting, soon to meet me.
>
>
> Yours and ever hoping,
> TVM

Guarantee

2007-08-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

An ang moh(Foreigner) touring Hong Kong had been told
by his friends back home that one could get really
good bargains on cloths but that one would
have to be careful.
This gentleman went bargain-hunting and chanced upon a
well-established shop.
When he found a branded shirt that cost half the price
of what was being sold back home, he rubbed his hands
in glee.

Having been warned of cheap shirts, he began to
scrutinise the shirt carefully and smiled when he saw
a label that was sewn on the shirt.
It read " Guarantee No Shrink ".

Convinced that he had indeed found a great bargain, he
went ahead and bought half a dozen shirts.

Back at the hotel, he took out the shirts and sent
them to the laundry.
He was eager to put them on and see some envious faces
in his tour group.
When the shirts returned from the hotel laundry, he
was shock that all of them had shrunk by at least
three sizes !
He looked at the label again to assure himself that he
had not read it wrongly.
Yes, it clearly read : " GUARANTEE NO SHRINK ".

He immediately took the shirts back to the shop and
asked to see the manager. The manager came out,
listened to his complaint and then calmly
pointed to the label and said :

" You Westerners read from left to right. We Chinese
read from right to left. "

Improving Productivity in a Restaurant

2007-08-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in
their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of
analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we
can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out
of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters
had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you
have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we
can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of
you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Chinese logic

2007-08-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

An American, Japanese and Chinese guy went for a hike one day.
>
>It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted.
>
>When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and
>jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.
>Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
>their "freedom."

>As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town
>appeared.
>Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese
>quickly used their hands to cover their privates.
>But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.

>After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
>The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face
>rather than his private part.
>The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the
>face that people recognize."