Jokes Collected From Emails

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pocket...

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the Seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. 'Hey, bitch', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!' The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: 'God damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!' Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. 'Hey, slut, ' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! ' The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the pass...

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles. "OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and say...

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES. 'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED. 'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED. 'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM. 'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED. JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT. THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. ...