Jokes Collected From Emails

I have been married 40 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good-looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot beautiful 18-year-old girl... and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

NAMES OF WIVES A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his... 4th wife..... baby doll 3rd wife.....china doll 2nd wife.....barbie doll 1st wife..... panadol ! ARAB MAN An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. 'Your name pls.'? "Abdul Aziz " "Sex? " "Six times a week!! " "No, no, I mean male or female! " "Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !" HAPPY MAN What makes a happy man? Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons" SWIMSUIT Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section. GOOD AMBITION Teacher: What do you want to become? Little Johnny: Doctor !! Teacher: Why? Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. DENTIST Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation. If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department. If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations. If they are sleeping. Put them in security. If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales. If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver 2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG driver. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA. 7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!! 8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK

>> >6 EASY LESSONS >> > >> >Lesson 1 >> > >> >A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up >>her >> >shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself >>in a Towel >> >and runs downstairs. >> > >> >When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door >>neighbor. >> >Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop >>that towel." >> >After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands >>naked in >> >Front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. >> > >> >The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When >>she gets >> >to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob >>the next >> >door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, " >

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells -

A man went to an underwear company for a job interview. The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours! We pack our underwear in 7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. Why? The man thinks for a moment and replies: "The 7-packs are for Malaysian men: one for each day of the week. The 5-packs are for "Mat Salleh" men: one each for Monday to Friday, and they don't wear underwear on weekends. The 12-packs are for Bangla, Pakistani and Indon men: one each for January, February, March ....." He got the job...!!

>>GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN >>Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,half wild, >>naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. >> >>Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to >>trade especially for someone with cash. >> >>Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of >>her own beauty. >> >>Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm >>and desirable place to visit. >> >>Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past >>mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. >> >>Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are >>un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. >> >>Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all >>conquering past but alas, no future. >> >>After 70, they become Afghanist

MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR : Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor : Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! 2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL: Teacher : What is 5 plus 4? Mr. Bean : 9 Teacher : What is 4 plus 5? Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE: Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! 4) AT AN ATM MACHINE: Friend : What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)! 5) MARRIAGE: Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry? M