Jokes Collected From Emails

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts . Again, she didn't know how to say breasts and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store... ( please scroll page down)... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. What were you thinking? HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to work........AHAHAHAHAHA?. -------------------------------

Teacher: "Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?" Simon: "No, teacher, it's the same dog!" -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Your hair is very untidy. Why did you not comb it before coming to school?" Boy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Boy: "No hair, Sir." -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Where were you born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir ." -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Chong, you missed school last Friday." Chong : "You're wrong, Sir." Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?" Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!" -------------------------------------------------- Father: "Your teacher says she finds

>> >> >I'm sure you'll never ask your Mom or your Wife this question all >> >>>your life.... after you've read this mail: >> >>> >> >>> >> >>>A father came home and found his three children outside, still in >> >>>their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers >> >> >>>strewn all around the front yard. >> >>> >> >>>The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the >> >>>house and there was no sign of the dog. >> >>> >> >>>Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had >> >>>been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. >> >>> >> >>>In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the >> >>>family room was strewn with toys and various items

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah ! Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ? PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right? Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped? PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah ! Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses ? PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh ?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn .......... Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love? PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not ? Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ? PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ...

*Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice *Son : "I will choose my own bride!" *Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok" *Next Father approaches Bill Gates. *Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" *Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. *Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done!!

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone) Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan( someone ). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan( no one ) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. ( sorry ) Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

(1) Liar: A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why does u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?" Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!" (2) Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. (3) Chinese Adam and Eve: If Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake! (4) Cyber Child > >"Daddy? How did I come into this world? ""Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way. " " So why not today? Please! ""OK, but listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Sin

Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain . do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.If he gets angry, he could kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if w

>> >> > > This is a real good one, enjoy>>>>>>>> >> > >> > >> > After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage >> loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the > driver >> notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. >> > >> > >> > "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," >> Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" >> > "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, >> "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a >> cardinal, > and I'd >> really like to drivetoday." >> > >> > >> > "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd >> > lose my job! And what if something should happen

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, She should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The Judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, The man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?" Don't laugh, but the man won!

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body. Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family; kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc. So together?.. all paus went to find maggi mee for revenge. On the way... they met Spaghetti?... so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can't say a word, Spaghetti then scream... "WHAT DID I DO? I don't even know you all"???. Then the siew pau say??.. "HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do REBONDING!"