Jokes Collected From Emails

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it . When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top................ which read as follows :: Dear brothers and sisters, I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide the same among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Kala's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time. They took aspirin, candies floss,fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/ motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat. We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle. We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV ray which never seem to affect us. We go to jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes. With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would ran like crazy for hours. We catch guppy in

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori: "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is .. When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said : "Who Are You ?". Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor : "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.." Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

> > >1) Malaysian Jokes > > > > > >THE GENIE > > > > > >A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a > > >magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two > > >wishes, > > >Macha.." > > > > > >The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a > > >Chinaman! > > >Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair > > >jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in >hand. > > >As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own > > >reflection. > > > > > >Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion. > > >The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained "Are you > > >deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a

Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*astards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*astards who are getting on, get you're a*ss in the train cause we're going down the tracks." The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pl

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps. They agreed and went out. After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30 . Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first sardarji asked what was the sa

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb". Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. Coca-Cola was originally green . It is impossible to lick your elbow. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,

> Shut-up > > If your dog is barking at the back door > and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first > ? The Dog of course ....... at least it will shut up after you let him > in ! > > > ======================================== > > Three Children > > A couple had three children. > Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome > but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. > > One day the hubby got suspicious and asked : > " Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine ? " > > " Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " ...... but the other two are not. " > > > ======================================== > > Qualities of a Wife > > When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities ----- > She is an economist in the kitchen, > an aristocrat in the living room > and a devil in bed. > After a few years, sure enough the three qualities rem

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No worries, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in a lift and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself st

>> One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another from >> Maybank, went for a walk. They were old buddies from >> school, and they >> were remembering the tough old days they went as students >> together. >> >> For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant. >> >> Being from the same field and the same school, there is little bit of >> peer competition going on, so when he saw this elephant, an >> idea >> clicked the Citibanker, he said to the others "Why don't we >> prove who >> is the best among us?". >> >> The others, of course, agreed. >> >> Then the Citibank said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this >> elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank". >> >> They all agreed and started. >> >> Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the >> elephant laugh

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make use of your information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in management.&

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a wor

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. ....................................................................... I was born intelligent - education ruined me. ....................................................................... Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice? ....................................................................... If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? ....................................................................... Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. ....................................................................... How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? ....................................................................... Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. .......................................

(a). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'l! l get back to you. (b). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (c). Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. (e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi,you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh)

Dear Sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart Your husband Allen His wife replied back after some days to her husband: Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details. 1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk. 2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses. 3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent. 4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items........... 5. Other expenses 40 kisses Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!! Your Sweet Heart

> This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his > mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and > introduce to Ahbeng. > The 3 pretty girls name and occupation : > 1.) Ahuey - Telephonist > 2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher > 3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor > > Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of > < http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6222/815/1600/wife.jpg> > > chatting with the girls his mother asked him. > > Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ? > Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most > Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad > leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto > skool also easy > Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!! > Ahkew : Why dunwan? > Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! > I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!"

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headl

It is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc......... For example:- WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater in your size but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you. Malaysians: No Stock. RETURNING A CALL Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago? Malaysians: Hello, who page? ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way? Malaysians: S-kew me WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me. Malaysians:No-need, lah. WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door? Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar? WHEN ENTERTAINING Britons: Please make yourself right at home. Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah! WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money. Malaysians: Where go

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you,

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry. I accept that you love each other truly." So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in a white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancee, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after some time that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the

Well.....here is something to link the 5cs to the newer 5 bs ! I don't need a *CAR *, but I want a *BMW **?* I don't need a *CONDO *, but I want a *BUNGALOW **?* I don't need you to have *CASH * but I want you to own a *BANK **?* I don't need you to have a *CAREER * but I want you to be a *BOSS * It's interesting for you to read! Most of you would have heard of the Singapore * 5C's *! : * Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career * Heard of the *5B's *? * B - BMW ** ** B - Body ** ** B - Brain ** ** B - Billionaire ** ** B - Bungalow **?* And, and addition with the *5K's * ..................... * Kiasu (scared of losing) ** ** Kiasee (scared of dying) ** ** Kiabor (scared of wife) ** ** Kiaboh (scared of having nothing) ** ** Kiachenghu (scared of government) **?* We've been reading about the 5C's! and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent... Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :

>Story 1 >Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh? >Ah Chek: Lu siao ah! Stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one. > >Story 2 >Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. >So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. >"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!" >Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. >"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!" >Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!" >So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the >accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into >the lamp-post. "Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see la! Wah >Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. >"Solee, solee, pai sah la! No lah, I tot hor, "R"

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on their circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean, what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bott

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore > Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe > representative were of tertiary level education or higher was > because of the following incident which occurred not too many > years ago. > It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 > finalists, > Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 > simple questions: > > MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance > starting with "L" > Miss USA: Lamp > Miss Malaysia: Light bulb > Miss Singapore: LADIO > Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L" > > MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an > animal starting

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM? 1. Park the car 2. Go to ATM Machine 3. Insert card 4. Enter PIN 5. Take money out 6. Take ATM Card out 7. Drive away How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM? 1. Park the car 2. Check makeup 3. Turn off engine 4. Check makeup 5. Go to ATM 6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse 7. Insert card 8. Hit Cancel 9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it 10. Insert card 11. Enter PIN 12. Take cash 13. Go to car 14. Check makeup 15. Start car 16. Stop car 17. Run back to ATM 18. Take ATM card 19. Back to car 20. Check makeup 21. Start car 22. Check makeup 23. Drive for 1/2 mile 24. Release handbrake 25. Drive on.

Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ______________________________ OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime _____________________________ SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. _____________________________ GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. _____________________________ HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. _

Story No:01 Husband climbs on the bed naked. Wife: I have a headache. Husband: Good! I have powdered it with aspirin. U want to take it orally or as an injection. Story No:02 Three fastest means of communication: 1. E-Mail 2. Telephone 3. Television 4. Tell-a-woman Story No:03 One day, DUREX complained to KOTEX: " Every time u work, I gotta 7-9 days off!" KOTEX retorted: "Whenever u make a mistake during work, I gotta take 9 months leave". Story No:04 A man called his 4th wife - Baby doll, 3rd wife - China doll, 2nd wife - Barbie doll & 1st wife - Guess What? Panadol Story No:05 Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife: "Look at that 75kg of pure dynamite". Wife replies: "It is a shame though about the 2 inches fuse". Story No:06 Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down. Story No:07 Man tell MP: My son's a dr

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

I NO COME WORK TODAY Hung Cheong calls the office and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I vely vely sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs ache, I no come work." The manager says, "You know something, Cheong, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. Why won't you try that?" Two hours later Hung Cheong calls again. "I do what you say and I feel vely good. I come work vely quick. And Boss, You house vely nice."

> This story tells us not to be "too kind" to our bosses as it is > >>not > >>worth the effort to be nice to them. > >> > >> Here it goes: > >> > >> > >> There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a > >>house guard. > >> > >>One day,while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning > >>flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard > >>house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate. > >> > >> > >>He said "Sir..Sir. are you going to board a plane?" > >> > >>"Yes, why?" asked the millionaire. > >> > >>"You had better cancel the trip.You see, last night I dreamt about the > >>plane going to crash." > >> > >>Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED. 2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption : Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY 3. Three FASTEST means of Communication : 1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3. Tell to Woman Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE. 4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends. 5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him. Moral : BE SPECIFIC 6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ? It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends. 7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him. Ant 2 says : No, Let us break h

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!" "No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression. "The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."

>Who is clever ? Teacher or student?? One Night 4 College Students Were >Playing Till Late Night And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled >For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made >themselves look asdirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up >to the Dean andsaid that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on >their returnthe tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all >the wayback and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.So >the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and >said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before >the Dean. The Dean said that asthis was a Special Condition Test, All four >were required to sit inseperate classrooms for the test.They all agreed as >they had prepared well in the last 3 days. The Test consisted of 2 questions >with the total of 100 Marks. Q.1. Your Name..................

CLASSIC!!.... Inilah jadinya kalau tak belajar bahasa inggeris kat sekolah!!!! Hancus...F9 SPM....sekadar renungan bersama Tijah budak kampung, tapi bekerja di Kuala Lumpur. Biasalah bila sudah duduk "town", mula lupa asal usul. Pakaian seksi maut, bercinta pula dgn lelaki mat saleh. Ke hulu ke hilir menayang boyfriendnya yg bermata biru. Punyalah eksyen si Tijah, hinggalah suatu hari dia ternampak lelaki Inggeris tadi dgn wanita lain yg lebih cantik dan bergaya daripadanya. Tijah menangis tiga hari tiga malam. Pada malam ke empat, Tijah mengambil sehelai kertas dan menulis surat untuk memutuskan perhubungannya dgn lelaki mat saleh tadi yg baru sebulan dikenalinya. Begini bunyi surat yg ditulis oleh Tijah binti Kulup Kecil, yg berjaya "dicuri" ... *********** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****************** ** Mike.... I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US. I have think about this very cook-cook. I know I clap one hand only. Correctly, I have see

Sila baca dengan hati yang tenang.... TEKA-TEKI YANG PERLU DIBERI PENAMPAR !!! 1) Lubang ape yang rasanye hangat, nikmat dan nyaman? Answer: LUBANGun pagi2, tarik selimut pastu lu tido balik.... 2) Minyak ape yang disukai oleh lelaki? Answer: MINYAKsikan pertandingan bolasepak Liga-M opp!!! salah EPL laaa 3) Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya di luar? Answer: Kuih salah bikin. 4) Binatang ape yang power dlm bab berKarate? Answer: Kuda belang....cube kira brape black belt dia ade. 5) Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit? Answer: Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut tolong pulangkan kepada saye. 6) Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10 org pun tak leh nak tolak? Answer: Pintu yang ade tulis 'TARIK' 7) Saya ade 3 kepala, 4 tangan dan 5 kaki...siapakah saya? Answer: Pembohong... 8) Apa dia 'Jauh di mata, dekat di hati'? Answer: Usus 9) Binatang ape yang seluruh anggota tubuhnya kat kepala? Answer: Kutu rambut 10) Nenek sape jalannya meloncat-loncat? Answer: Neneknye si kata

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Rita (-4) Rita is a dancer (-6) Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80) HER BIRTHDAY Y

I am Peter Stuyvesant I have two friends, Benson and Hedges I came from the city of Marlboro, In the Salem high country I Always carry a MildSeven I rode on a White Horse Going to Kingsway in Kent It was Lucky Strike I fell in love With the daughter of Master Duke Her name Was YSL We got married by Perillys, the priest We checked in at the house of Dunhill And booked into room number 555 I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf I played with her two Matterhorns When I poked in my Rothmans King Size She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!" You are riding like a mad Camel When I asked her if she is satisfied She answered" I want MORE!!!!" Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to enter her Gudang Garam. She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna!!

1) For your information. (FYI) - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it. 2) For your action. (FYA) - I don't know what to do with this, so I'm passing this shit to you. 3) Noted and returned. - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it for a little while. 4) Review and comment. - Do the dirty work so that I can forward it and sign off with my name. 5) Action please. - Get yourself involved. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit. 6) For your necessary action. - It's your headache now. Woohoo!!! 7) CC to - Here's a share of the headache. 8) BCC to - I'm telling someone important that I'm working and sharing the headache with you. 9) For your approval, please. - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please. :D 10) Action is being taken and will revert in due time. - I lost your correspondence and still trying to locate it. - I¡¯m busy! Bother me next week!!! 11) Please discuss. - I don't know what this is all about. So

> Ad from Bangalore - just in case you guys are looking for an Indian > son-in-law > > > Dear Madame, > > I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru. > > Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to > press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely. > > I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot > tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because > I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like > cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come > running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is > scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot. > > I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am > jolly. I am gay. > > Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always > giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on > to

An ang moh(Foreigner) touring Hong Kong had been told by his friends back home that one could get really good bargains on cloths but that one would have to be careful. This gentleman went bargain-hunting and chanced upon a well-established shop. When he found a branded shirt that cost half the price of what was being sold back home, he rubbed his hands in glee. Having been warned of cheap shirts, he began to scrutinise the shirt carefully and smiled when he saw a label that was sewn on the shirt. It read " Guarantee No Shrink ". Convinced that he had indeed found a great bargain, he went ahead and bought half a dozen shirts. Back at the hotel, he took out the shirts and sent them to the laundry. He was eager to put them on and see some envious faces in his tour group. When the shirts returned from the hotel laundry, he was shock that all of them had shrunk by at least three sizes ! He looked at the label again

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization... Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to re

An American, Japanese and Chinese guy went for a hike one day. > >It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. > >When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and >jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. >Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying >their "freedom." >As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town >appeared. >Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese >quickly used their hands to cover their privates. >But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover. >After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. >The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face >rather than his private part. >The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the >face that people recognize."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. " Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay

> > > > >>> > >>A husband and wife were travelling by car from Key West to > > > > >>> > >>Boston. After almost 24 hours on the road, they're too > > > > >>> > >>tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They > > > > >>> > >>stopped at a nice hotel, but they only planned to sleep > > > > >>> > >>for 4 hours to get back on the road again. > > > > >>> > >> > > > > >>> > >>When they checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed > > > > >>> > >>them a bill for $350. > > > > >>> > >> > > > > >>> > >>The man exploded & demanded to know why the charge was so > > > > >>> > >>high. Below is the interesting arguement. > > > > >>> &

When Vietnam was still separated as North and South, the president of South Vietnam then was President Thieu (this is for real). As he was getting a lot of unfavourable treatment from his own country's news agencies, he invited Tara Singh, a journalist from M'sia, to brief him about the setup of Bernama. After Tara Singh had briefed the president about Bernama, the president was impressed. He declared that it was time for him to set up his own Bernama, to counter all the criticism he has been receiving lately. Tara Singh politely said, "But Mr President, the name 'Bernama' is already used by M'sia... maybe if you chose another name." "Of course, you're right! I shall name it after myself then. It will be known as Thieunama !! ", said the president. Tara Singh nearly choked on that! " Ahh, Mr President, that may not be the best name. To the Cantonese speaking people, that name is a four-letter word concerning mothers," said Tara. &

WIFE's DIARY Sunday night. I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said: "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say: "I love u, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him wi

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed I wrote your name on air, it was blown away, then I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack. God saw me hungry, he created Pizza He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi He saw me in dark, he created light He saw me without problems, he created you. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital in not so far. The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you? Roses are red, violets are blue Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo Don't feel so angry you will find me there too Not in cage but laughing at you. When your life is in the darkness, pray to God ask him to free you from darkness And if after you pray and you are still in darkness, please pay you ELECTRICITY BILL!

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work? " The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic... "Try to do it when the engine is running".

> A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but > discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use > his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was > on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her > that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he > tried reaching dad on the mobile. > > She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon > seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, > and she slapped him again, for good measure. > > People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the > cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody > what the lady said to him when he called. > > Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at > present. Please Try Again Later"...

The solidarity of men make us more interesting. Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls up 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that. Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls up 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them! Conclusion: Men are better friends!!!

Damn funny, and true .. 1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping(and especially those ribbons). 2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has move out. 3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times. 4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage. 5. You hate to waste food a ) Even if you're totally full,if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table,you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in /Africa) b ) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing. 6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars. 7. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you st