Jokes Collected From Emails

  Some people say  : Wife is a HARIMAU (Tiger) Girlfriend is HARI HARI MAU (Like to have it everyday) And some say : Wife is like TV, Girlfriend is like Handphone (HP) At home watch TV, Go out bring HP. No money, sell TV. Got money change HP. Sometimes enjoy TV but most of the time play with HP. TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated. TV is big, bulky and most of the time old but HP, is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time. Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding. Most Important, TV got remote but HP doesn't have. Last but not least........ TV do not have virus but HP have VIRUS...... Once get it, HABIS LAH (Finish-gone case). So better choose TV lah!

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 5 rupee coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and  sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!! After a few seconds the boy convulses v

  Have a good laugh and enjoy yourself......   Subject:  Fwd: FW: Copper Wire - Good One!   COPPER WIRE After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back   200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more   than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Dept of Minerals and Energy in  Malaysia , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Central Kedah region, Mahatir Mohammed, a self-taught   archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mahatir has therefore concluded

  Who in the hell is Larry? Who in the hell is Larry? Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and: Linda, his wife says, Where the hell have you been? Larry replies: I was out getting a tattoo! A tattoo? she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get? I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates, he said proudly. What the hell were you thinking? She said, shaking her head in disgust. Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. Larry is in the hospital, room 233.

  A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to an X rated movie featuring a lusty couple having sex. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife. "For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says "You already know how to play golf!"   Here is somethign to laugh about.... 1 . Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him. 2 . There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell. 3 . A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine." 4 . When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. 5.  It's easy to tell if a man is married

  Hello guys,   Dare u to tell ur other half.........   Hahahahaha............   KC Subject:  Fw: :*: ABCDEFGH-IJK... --- A wife asked her husband to describe her.   He said "You're  A B C D E F G H I J K ."   She said "What's that mean?"  He said  " Adorable Beautiful Cute  Delightful  Elegant Foxy Gorgeous Hot ."   She said "Ooohh that's so lovely - but what about  I J K?"   "I'm. Just. Kidding."

  “THE LIE DETECTOR”   A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.  He decides to test it at dinner. Dad: "Son, where were you today during school hours?"  SON: "At school." Robot slaps son! "Ok, I lied, I went to the movies."  DAD: "Which one?" SON: "Toy Story." Robot slaps son again! "Ok, it was “A Day with a Porn Star."  DAD: "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was".  Robot slaps Dad! MOM: "Ha, ha! After all he's your son." Robot slaps mom.

  Big mistake leh!!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   One spelling mistake can destroy your life!                 

  One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight  started..... ______________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."  And that's when the fight started... ______________________________ __ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that'

  Confucius says.... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.   Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.   Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.   Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.   Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.   Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.   Man who eats many prunes get   good run for money.   War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.   Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.   It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.   Man who drives like hell is bound to get  there.   Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.   Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.   Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.   Finally  CONFUCIUS SAYS....   "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a  Tiger Wood!" -- The world is a dangerous place not because of people who do evil, but bec

  区别   *医生和强盗的区别* *The differences between Robbers and Doctors.. 强盗通常只在晚上做案，医生却全天候抢钱；* *Robber normally rob at night, Doctors rob every moment of the days. 强盗风里来雨里去四处流，医生冬天暖夏天凉环境优雅；* *Robber will be loitering all over and look for shelter when it rains,Doctors lives in comfort. 你把钱交给强盗是为了活命，你为了活命而把钱交给医生；* *You gave money to robbers for your life, you gave money for life to doctors. 强盗只能抢光你身上的财富，医生却能抢光你一生的积蓄* *Robbers rob all your belongs , doctors takes away your life long savings. 强盗只会逼你掏钱，医生却能逼你借债；* *Robbers force you to dig your pockets,doctors force you to take loan for life. 你碰上强盗作案可以破财消灾，你碰上医生抢钱却得倾家荡产；* *You meet robbers you need to give what you have,you meet doctors you have to give all your hard earn belongings. 强盗作案时胆战心惊小心翼翼，医生抢钱时理直气壮无所顾忌；* *Robbers carefully,quitely steal your money, doctors daringly,openly takes your money. 强盗还怕你人多势众，医生却连**也照抢不误；* *Robbers afraid of you having a lot of people,doctors careless how many you have and even rob all of you. 你被强盗抢了可以报警，你被医生抢了只能认命；

  Khan is studying in the west as he is calling his mom: KHAN:     Mom, I have AIDS. Mother:    Don't come back my son. KHAN:    Why Mom? Mother: If you come back then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother. From your brother to our maid. From our maid to your dad. From your dad to my sister. From my sister to her husband. From him to me and from me to our driver. From our driver to your sister. And if your sister got AIDS, then..........the whole village will be infected!: So in the name of god please save our village.    Don't come back!...

  DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting.   Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.   It will be my first one, - and I can't wait! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- DEAR DIARY - DAY 2  Entire day at sea, beautiful.  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man ...  ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive. ------------------------------ ---------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 4   Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.   Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay t

  Subject:   Decent Facts!!!-------------     1. Life without Friends is like Boobs Without Nipples...  POINTLESS ! 2. A Fact: Fuck a woman and she Loves you... Love a woman and she Fucks      you: 3. MBBS Final Exam question paper: Fill in the blanks . . .       " If a woman faints, we must first check her pu_s_.  "   Only few         students like me who wrote: 'Pulse' passed 4. The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. They are sentenced to:     'Hang Till Death !' 5. Boy: How much Calcium is there in a woman's BREASTS?    Girl: Enough to help a Man's Boneless Thing stand up: 6. Give an example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence...                       A Pregnant Prostitute 7. If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, then..  Frustration is the         Father of Masturbation!: 8. If your Boss says: 'Nothing is Impossible',  ask him to wear a condom      after sex ....

  Abu Bekir Taib Mahmud, the second son of Tan Sri Taib Mahmud when interviewed by the Press whether it is true that he is sued for RM 400million as a divorce settlement, he admitted that it is true.    When further asked how he managed to amass such wealth, he said is due to “dedikasi”. When challenged that at his young age, it cannot be possibly due to his dedication in whatever business he is in, he said, you must have heard wrongly - he had said,  “daddy kasi”...    

  Woman asks, "If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 women, everyone calls him a real man. How come?"   Confucius replies, "It's very simple. When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a Master Key !"  

  BIN LADEN SAID: CHINA IS THE WORLD'S ONLY COUNTRY     Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we absolutely cannot    mess with.     The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese   with the following results:       One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest   gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic   bridge;     One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in   the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus for two   hours;     One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan, but found that the bomb   remote control was stolen;     One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu, but was   EastTurkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated;     One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds of people   dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but even   after six months, failed to see any news report

  When  girls don't put  out!! This was  written by a guy...it is  GREAT! I never  quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and  women differ so much. And I never have figured  out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never  figured out why men think with their head and  women with their  heart. FOR  EXAMPLE: One evening  last week, my girlfriend and I were  getting   into  bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and  she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I  just want you to hold  me.' I said,  'WHAT??!! What was  that?!' So she says  the words that every boyfriend on the planet  dreads to  hear... 'You're  just not in touch with my emotional needs as a  woman enough for me to satisfy your physical  needs as a  man.' She  responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't  you   just  love me for who I am and not what I do for you  in the  bedroom?' Realizing  that nothing was going to happen that night,          I  went to  sle

  YOU WILL LIKE THE WISE SAYINGS BELOW::   HAHAHA     SIMPLE TRUTH 1 Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.       SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated”  

  An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad: For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. L

  Mind Your Private Part   This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan "We stare because we care!"   The saddest part of a man's body is his balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Until Death!" What is the difference between a chick and a baby? Chick is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock. If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get? Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man's underwear? Banana split. What's the difference between a Bomb & a Condom? In a bomb blast, the population decreases, BUT in a condom blast, the population increases.

  One day Najib walks into Maybank to cash a cheque. Normally he would have instructed his own staff to do such a menial task but since he badly wanted all the attention he could muster – and sign a few autographs along the way – he decided it was best he visited the bank himself and be seen to do what most ordinary folks do. Upon entering the bank, the conversation goes as follows: (looking pleased as punch and expecting to be instantly recognised) Najib: Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me? Cashier: It would be my pleasure, sir, but could you please show me some identification first? Najib: Frankly I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn’t think it was necessary. I’m sure you know who I am, correct? Cashier: Well there are a lot of people who look like a lot of people, sir… (not terribly amused by now) Najib: Well! I am of course Najib, the Prime Minister of Malaysia!! Really how is it that you don’t know who I am!? Cashier: Sir, it doesn’t matter whether or not I k

  DON'T LAUGH > > > In U.S.A. they invented a machine that could catch thieves; they took it out > to different countries for a test. > > > > In the U.S. itself , in 30 minutes, the machine caught 20 thieves; > > In UK , in 30 minutes it > caught more than 50 thieves; > > In Spain , in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves; > > In Ghana , in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves; > > > In Malaysia , THEY CAUGHT NOBODY. > In 10 minutes the machine was stolen!    I told you not to laugh!!! > > > > > >

  Woman's Body.. Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B" .... Blouse, Bra, Bikini , Boobs.... & the lower body with a "P" .... Petticoat, Pants, Panties, Pussy. No wonder men suffer from high BP (Blood  Pressure)

  VALENTINE’s DAY MESSAGE...     Wife comes home late   Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to  them..   SO, WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY??????? Trust your partner at all times as it is an ancient belief practised till this day that partners never bring their lovers into their homes. Amen.