Jokes Collected From Emails

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here. ------------------------------ ------------------------   Water in the carburetor WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous " WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car? WIFE: "In the pool"   ============================= ============== A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC THIS I...

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."  He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must have been the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply, asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one!!"

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament house.; one from   MIC   another from   MCA   and the third, from  UMNO  .  They go with a government official to examine the fence.     The   MIC   contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'     The   MCA   contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'     The   UMNO   contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, '$2,700'.     The official, incredulous, whispers, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did y...

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.' The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' Sergeant replied, 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. T...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, ...

Chinese Wisdom In the Chinese language, the word "LAO" 老 means old. It also has the connotation of "experienced" or "seasoned". An experienced or seasoned person can be an expert in manipulation, as shown in the following illustrations: Two things in life that are difficult to achieve: 1. To plant your idea in someone's head 2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket. Achieving any one of the above is difficult. But there are people, with the title of LAO, can achieve one or both: 1. He who succeeds in planting his idea in someone's head - we call Lao Shi (teacher) 2. He who succeeds in planting someone's money in his own pocket - we call Lao Ban (boss) 3. The one who succeeds in both - we call Lao Po (wife) or Lao Qian (trickster) 4. The one who fails in both - we call Lao Gong (husband) 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with  five young mothers and their small  children.      "You all have  obsessions," he observed.      To  the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with  eating.  You've even named your daughter  Candy."      He turned to the  second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.  It manifests itself in your  children's names, Penny, Goldie and  Frank."      He turned to the  third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.  This too shows  itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You  even called the cat,  "Whisky".      He then turned to  the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is  with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."      At this  point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took ...

Two gays were out for a drive in their new car. They stopped at a red light and were hit by another car.  "Get that idiot's details, Bruce", the gay driving the car tells his partner. Bruce goes to the driver of the other car, a tough, rough-looking red-neck. "I'd like your name and address" Bruce says politely, "We need to put this through the insurance"  The brute looks at Bruce disdainfully.... "F@#k you", he says, "S@#k my dick".  Bruce runs back to his car and says excitedly: "Adrian............  I think he wants to settle out of court!!!"

A milkman who is dying in the hospital  is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse. Says to his eldest son: - To you, Shankar, I leave the Beverly houses. - To you, my dear daughter Pooja, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.   - To you, Akash,  being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centeroffices. - And you, my dear wife Punam,  the three residential building towers in downtown. The nurse, impressed, tells his wife:  Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties!  You all are so lucky!! And the wife retorts: Rich??? Lucky???  Are you kidding me!!!?? Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!  

A matter of priorities. An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a Divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, No more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the ...

This incident is supposed to have happened in real life.   My friend,  who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July,  2010.   He says when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the previous day, she simply replied .......   " But sir, I had no option.   My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home.   By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra !   Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.  John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.  The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and  without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the Engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road And saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his Life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the ligh...

What is this weird hat that we are wearing? Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing? It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body! And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet? These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert! Tell me Abba? Yes my son? .....  .....  .....  .....  ..... .....  .....  .....  .....  ..... Why are we living in Melbourne and still wearing all this shit?

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh." Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No, No, Me Banta Singh!" Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing." The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and Ordered a glass of champagne... The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a Glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for Me... I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman. 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the Man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years All of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The  preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the  younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, ...

A rich man living in Darwin decided to throw a party and invited all of  his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in  the neighbourhood.  The party was held around the enormous pool in the  backyard of the host's mansion.            Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,  oysters, from the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host  said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a >  million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'     The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and  everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,  jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of  stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and  flipping the croc through the air like some kind of judo instructo...