Jokes Collected From Emails

A Gujarati applies for a Job at Wal-Mart. An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack  of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Indian. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?" Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your  head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.   "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing...

It is very true about what the listener perceives in real situation. Singh was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport-size photograph of his son for college admission. Accidentally, the photograph dropped down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor below the ends of a woman's saree. He asked her, "Can you lift your saree? I wanna take photograph".... THE REST IS HISTORY.... He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to see Jaswan Singh on the next bed to him in a worse condition. Jaswan explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late & missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel nearby. So he approached a nearby house & asked the owner whether he can stay there for a night. The owner replied "I have 2 grown-up daughters. Sorry, you can't stay here." Then he approached the next house and aske...

...good one...hahaha... Don't fart in Harrods A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the ...

  Two Monks and a pretty Lady   Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back to which the lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk and was thinking "How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?" But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept qu...

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"   "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked...   "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering French kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!     That was the best kiss I have ever had.  That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.     Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"    

This is a test You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:   1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.   2. An old friend who once saved your life.   3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.   Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.       This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay hiM back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.               YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................   The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up w...

                       SMART SON BUT STUPID   A father sent his son abroad to give him good education. On his return back home after completing his studies the father took the son to his factory where they made sausages. He let his son have a good look at the whole factory, The son examined the whole procedure seriously and gave a kinda brainy look. Dad was so happy and asked the son "So Son, do you have any good plans to further develop our business?." SON: "Yeah, Instead of putting the pigs into the machine and getting sausages out , we can put sausages in and get pigs from the other side" Dad got so annoyed and said "Wow ! You are so clever, only your mom has that kind of machine, when I put my sausage in, a pig like you came out!"    

> MODERN MEDICINE�. > > A doctor from Israel says: > "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man´s testicles, we put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work" > > The German doctor comments: > "That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person´s head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work" > > A Russian doctor says: > That's nothing either. In Russia we take half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person´s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work. > > The Malaysian doctor answers immediately: That´s nothing colleagues, you are way behind us....in Malaysia (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls....we put him as Prime Minister and now....the whole country is looking for work!

> John was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. > > > When he found out he was going to inherit fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. > One evening,at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. > "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,  "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million." > Impressed,the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. > Women can, at times, be better at financial planning than men.

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?"  the doctor asked.  "Actually, yes, I do" she said.   ''Does it hurt you",  he asked?  "No, I rather like it!"   ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.  "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"   "Of course",  the doctor replied.  "Where do you think Najib, Hishamuddin, Muhyuddin, Chua Soil Lek, Samv Veloo, Mahahthir Mohammed and all  our BN politicians come from?"

Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we  absolutely cannot mess with   賓拉登說：中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！ Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with 原因是這樣的：基地組織曾派出八名恐怖分子襲擊中國，結果如下： The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese with the following results: *一 人在炸北京西直門立體交通橋時，在橋上迷了路； One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic bridge; *一 人在上海坐公車自殺炸彈時，擠了兩小時沒擠上車；! One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus for two hours; *一 人在武漢炸超市時，炸彈遙控器被偷； One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan , but found that the bomb remote control was stolen; *一 人在炸成都政府大樓時，在門口被保安當作疆獨份子逮捕、狂揍、逼供； One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu , but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East T...

seller selling salt in the graveyard under a tree   hantu: how much? seller: $50 per gram hantu: nabeh, an zhua ai nei gui? seller: 7% GST   hantu: simi si GST? seller: Go Squeeze Them hantu: even ghosts? knn

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.   The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down & blows him without saying a word.   The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!".   The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?"   The old man says, "You won’t believe it! I woke up this morning with a hard on & the most beautiful nurse I’ve ever seen came into my room and blew me. Didn’t say a word, just blew me."   "Well that sounds great dad, congratulations."   Later that day the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and can’t get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants off, scre...

  One very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart With her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice Children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?...... Do you really think they look Alike, you d*ckhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter,   "I just can't believe anyone would f*ck you twice!"  

   Answer "W"... It is tension generator...        coz all the worries get initiated with "W"...     Who??  Why?  What? When?     Which?? Whom??     Where??      War...  Wine...Whisky... Women...       And finally   ...          Believe it or not   ..........        WIFE!