Jokes Collected From Emails

I have been married 40 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good-looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot beautiful 18-year-old girl... and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

NAMES OF WIVES A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his... 4th wife..... baby doll 3rd wife.....china doll 2nd wife.....barbie doll 1st wife..... panadol ! ARAB MAN An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. 'Your name pls.'? "Abdul Aziz " "Sex? " "Six times a week!! " "No, no, I mean male or female! " "Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !" HAPPY MAN What makes a happy man? Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons" SWIMSUIT Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section. GOOD AMBITION Teacher: What do you want to become? Little Johnny: Doctor !! Teacher: Why? Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. DENTIST Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I...

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation. If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department. If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations. If they are sleeping. Put them in security. If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales. If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning...

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver 2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG driver. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA. 7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!! 8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK ...

>> >6 EASY LESSONS >> > >> >Lesson 1 >> > >> >A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up >>her >> >shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself >>in a Towel >> >and runs downstairs. >> > >> >When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door >>neighbor. >> >Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop >>that towel." >> >After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands >>naked in >> >Front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. >> > >> >The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When >>she gets >> >to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob >>the next >> >door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, " >...

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - ...

A man went to an underwear company for a job interview. The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours! We pack our underwear in 7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. Why? The man thinks for a moment and replies: "The 7-packs are for Malaysian men: one for each day of the week. The 5-packs are for "Mat Salleh" men: one each for Monday to Friday, and they don't wear underwear on weekends. The 12-packs are for Bangla, Pakistani and Indon men: one each for January, February, March ....." He got the job...!!

>>GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN >>Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,half wild, >>naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. >> >>Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to >>trade especially for someone with cash. >> >>Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of >>her own beauty. >> >>Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm >>and desirable place to visit. >> >>Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past >>mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. >> >>Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are >>un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. >> >>Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all >>conquering past but alas, no future. >> >>After 70, they become Afghanist...

MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR : Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor : Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! 2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL: Teacher : What is 5 plus 4? Mr. Bean : 9 Teacher : What is 4 plus 5? Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE: Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! 4) AT AN ATM MACHINE: Friend : What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)! 5) MARRIAGE: Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry? M...

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts . Again, she didn't know how to say breasts and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store... ( please scroll page down)... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. What were you thinking? HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to work........AHAHAHAHAHA?. -------------------------------

Teacher: "Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?" Simon: "No, teacher, it's the same dog!" -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Your hair is very untidy. Why did you not comb it before coming to school?" Boy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Boy: "No hair, Sir." -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Where were you born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir ." -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Chong, you missed school last Friday." Chong : "You're wrong, Sir." Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?" Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!" -------------------------------------------------- Father: "Your teacher says she finds ...

>> >> >I'm sure you'll never ask your Mom or your Wife this question all >> >>>your life.... after you've read this mail: >> >>> >> >>> >> >>>A father came home and found his three children outside, still in >> >>>their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers >> >> >>>strewn all around the front yard. >> >>> >> >>>The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the >> >>>house and there was no sign of the dog. >> >>> >> >>>Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had >> >>>been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. >> >>> >> >>>In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the >> >>>family room was strewn with toys and various items...

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah ! Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ? PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right? Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped? PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah ! Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses ? PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh ?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn .......... Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love? PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not ? Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ? PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ......

*Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice *Son : "I will choose my own bride!" *Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok" *Next Father approaches Bill Gates. *Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" *Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. *Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done!!

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone) Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan( someone ). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan( no one ) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. ( sorry ) Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

(1) Liar: A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why does u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?" Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!" (2) Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. (3) Chinese Adam and Eve: If Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake! (4) Cyber Child > >"Daddy? How did I come into this world? ""Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way. " " So why not today? Please! ""OK, but listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Sin...

Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain . do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.If he gets angry, he could kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if w...

>> >> > > This is a real good one, enjoy>>>>>>>> >> > >> > >> > After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage >> loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the > driver >> notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. >> > >> > >> > "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," >> Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" >> > "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, >> "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a >> cardinal, > and I'd >> really like to drivetoday." >> > >> > >> > "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd >> > lose my job! And what if something should happen...

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at ...

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, She should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The Judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, The man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?" Don't laugh, but the man won!

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body. Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family; kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc. So together?.. all paus went to find maggi mee for revenge. On the way... they met Spaghetti?... so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can't say a word, Spaghetti then scream... "WHAT DID I DO? I don't even know you all"???. Then the siew pau say??.. "HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do REBONDING!"

>Before marriage. . > Darling here.. darling there... >After marriage. > Baling here... baling there.. > >Before marriage. . >I die for you. . . >After marriage. >"You die, up to you. " >Lagi lama married. . >You die I help you! > >Before marriage. . >You go anywhere. . I follow you. >After marriage. . . >You go anywhere. . up to you . >Lagi lama married. . . >You go anywhere better get lost!! > >Before wedding >you are my heart, you are my love" >After wedding >"you get on my nerves. " > >Before wedding >"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella" >After wedding >"you are worse than godzila" > >Before wedding >Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you >After wedding >Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you > >Before wedding >Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La >After weddin...

> A Professor was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:- > 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: >"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing. > 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. >One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: >"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising. > 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her >telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. >Marry me." - That's Telemarketing. > 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten >your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the >door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, >offer her ride and then say: By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - >That's Public Relations. > 5. You...

> American Spaceman is called Astronaut > Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut > Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut > > Malaysian Spaceman? - Can-or-naut! > > > Dr. M was thinking about sending somebody into space. Three potential > can-a-nauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one > Chinese. > > Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous > mission. How much do you think you should be paid?" > > Muthu replied: "One million ringgit." > "Why so much?" asks Dr. M. > "Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come back!" replied Muthu. > > "That's understandable," says Dr. M. "Thank you...please ask the Malay > guy to come here," > > So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question. > > "Alamak!...2 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate. > > "Two million? That's twice as m...

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady. Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island They both had the lady TOGETHER. Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER. Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs. Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night. Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man. Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was rejected by both. And finally.... Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two men are still waiting for...

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans 2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money 3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex 4. It is very important that these three women never met!

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it . When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top................ which read as follows :: Dear brothers and sisters, I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide the same among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Kala's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 ...

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time. They took aspirin, candies floss,fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/ motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat. We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle. We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV ray which never seem to affect us. We go to jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes. With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would ran like crazy for hours. We catch guppy in...

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori: "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is .. When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said : "Who Are You ?". Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor : "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.." Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

> > >1) Malaysian Jokes > > > > > >THE GENIE > > > > > >A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a > > >magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two > > >wishes, > > >Macha.." > > > > > >The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a > > >Chinaman! > > >Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair > > >jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in >hand. > > >As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own > > >reflection. > > > > > >Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion. > > >The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained "Are you > > >deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a...

Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*astards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*astards who are getting on, get you're a*ss in the train cause we're going down the tracks." The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pl...

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps. They agreed and went out. After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30 . Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first sardarji asked what was the sa...

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb". Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. Coca-Cola was originally green . It is impossible to lick your elbow. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, ...

> Shut-up > > If your dog is barking at the back door > and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first > ? The Dog of course ....... at least it will shut up after you let him > in ! > > > ======================================== > > Three Children > > A couple had three children. > Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome > but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. > > One day the hubby got suspicious and asked : > " Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine ? " > > " Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " ...... but the other two are not. " > > > ======================================== > > Qualities of a Wife > > When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities ----- > She is an economist in the kitchen, > an aristocrat in the living room > and a devil in bed. > After a few years, sure enough the three qualities rem...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No worries, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in a lift and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself st...

>> One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another from >> Maybank, went for a walk. They were old buddies from >> school, and they >> were remembering the tough old days they went as students >> together. >> >> For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant. >> >> Being from the same field and the same school, there is little bit of >> peer competition going on, so when he saw this elephant, an >> idea >> clicked the Citibanker, he said to the others "Why don't we >> prove who >> is the best among us?". >> >> The others, of course, agreed. >> >> Then the Citibank said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this >> elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank". >> >> They all agreed and started. >> >> Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the >> elephant laugh ...

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make use of your information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in management....

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a wor...

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. ....................................................................... I was born intelligent - education ruined me. ....................................................................... Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice? ....................................................................... If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? ....................................................................... Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. ....................................................................... How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? ....................................................................... Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. ..........................................

(a). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'l! l get back to you. (b). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (c). Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. (e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi,you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh)...

Dear Sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart Your husband Allen His wife replied back after some days to her husband: Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details. 1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk. 2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses. 3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent. 4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items........... 5. Other expenses 40 kisses Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!! Your Sweet Heart

> This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his > mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and > introduce to Ahbeng. > The 3 pretty girls name and occupation : > 1.) Ahuey - Telephonist > 2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher > 3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor > > Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of > > > chatting with the girls his mother asked him. > > Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ? > Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most > Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad > leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto > skool also easy > Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!! > Ahkew : Why dunwan? > Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! > I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring > everynite I can die one ahmah! > Ah...

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they ...

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headl...

It is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc......... For example:- WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater in your size but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you. Malaysians: No Stock. RETURNING A CALL Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago? Malaysians: Hello, who page? ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way? Malaysians: S-kew me WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me. Malaysians:No-need, lah. WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door? Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar? WHEN ENTERTAINING Britons: Please make yourself right at home. Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah! WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money. Malaysians: Where go...

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you,...

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry. I accept that you love each other truly." So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in a white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancee, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after some time that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the...

Well.....here is something to link the 5cs to the newer 5 bs ! I don't need a *CAR *, but I want a *BMW **?* I don't need a *CONDO *, but I want a *BUNGALOW **?* I don't need you to have *CASH * but I want you to own a *BANK **?* I don't need you to have a *CAREER * but I want you to be a *BOSS * It's interesting for you to read! Most of you would have heard of the Singapore * 5C's *! : * Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career * Heard of the *5B's *? * B - BMW ** ** B - Body ** ** B - Brain ** ** B - Billionaire ** ** B - Bungalow **?* And, and addition with the *5K's * ..................... * Kiasu (scared of losing) ** ** Kiasee (scared of dying) ** ** Kiabor (scared of wife) ** ** Kiaboh (scared of having nothing) ** ** Kiachenghu (scared of government) **?* We've been reading about the 5C's! and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent... Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :...

>Story 1 >Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh? >Ah Chek: Lu siao ah! Stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one. > >Story 2 >Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. >So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. >"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!" >Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. >"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!" >Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!" >So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the >accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into >the lamp-post. "Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see la! Wah >Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. >"Solee, solee, pai sah la! No lah, I tot hor, "R" ...