Jokes Collected From Emails

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From a...

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and...

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goe...

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder". Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, Go...

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door, wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.... Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pocket...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each mor...

TO THE MARRIED FOLKS, and a preview to the not-married ones! Have a laugh Guys and Girls who can handle this too... When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about ter...

I have been married 40 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good-looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot beautiful 18-year-old girl... and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts . Again, she didn't know how to say breasts and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store... ( please scroll page down)... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. What were you thinking? HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to work........AHAHAHAHAHA?. -------------------------------

>> >> >I'm sure you'll never ask your Mom or your Wife this question all >> >>>your life.... after you've read this mail: >> >>> >> >>> >> >>>A father came home and found his three children outside, still in >> >>>their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers >> >> >>>strewn all around the front yard. >> >>> >> >>>The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the >> >>>house and there was no sign of the dog. >> >>> >> >>>Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had >> >>>been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. >> >>> >> >>>In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the >> >>>family room was strewn with toys and various items...

Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain . do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.If he gets angry, he could kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if w...

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, She should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The Judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, The man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?" Don't laugh, but the man won!

>Before marriage. . > Darling here.. darling there... >After marriage. > Baling here... baling there.. > >Before marriage. . >I die for you. . . >After marriage. >"You die, up to you. " >Lagi lama married. . >You die I help you! > >Before marriage. . >You go anywhere. . I follow you. >After marriage. . . >You go anywhere. . up to you . >Lagi lama married. . . >You go anywhere better get lost!! > >Before wedding >you are my heart, you are my love" >After wedding >"you get on my nerves. " > >Before wedding >"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella" >After wedding >"you are worse than godzila" > >Before wedding >Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you >After wedding >Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you > >Before wedding >Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La >After weddin...

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans 2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money 3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex 4. It is very important that these three women never met!

> Shut-up > > If your dog is barking at the back door > and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first > ? The Dog of course ....... at least it will shut up after you let him > in ! > > > ======================================== > > Three Children > > A couple had three children. > Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome > but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. > > One day the hubby got suspicious and asked : > " Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine ? " > > " Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " ...... but the other two are not. " > > > ======================================== > > Qualities of a Wife > > When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities ----- > She is an economist in the kitchen, > an aristocrat in the living room > and a devil in bed. > After a few years, sure enough the three qualities rem...

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a wor...

Dear Sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart Your husband Allen His wife replied back after some days to her husband: Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details. 1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk. 2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses. 3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent. 4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items........... 5. Other expenses 40 kisses Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!! Your Sweet Heart

> This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his > mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and > introduce to Ahbeng. > The 3 pretty girls name and occupation : > 1.) Ahuey - Telephonist > 2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher > 3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor > > Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of > > > chatting with the girls his mother asked him. > > Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ? > Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most > Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad > leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto > skool also easy > Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!! > Ahkew : Why dunwan? > Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! > I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring > everynite I can die one ahmah! > Ah...