Jokes Collected From Emails

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the Seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. 'Hey, bitch', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!' The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: 'God damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!' Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. 'Hey, slut, ' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! ' The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the pass...

Lufthansa Airlines Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane. After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and quickly swim away f...