Jokes Collected From Emails

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down. His secretary walked up to him and asked, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' This was not a phrase that Her Boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his Secretary had told him, finally understood. He then tentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, He said, 'When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked In there?' The secretary smiled for a moment and said, 'No, Boss I didn't. All I saw Was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tires.

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation. If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department. If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations. If they are sleeping. Put them in security. If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales. If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning...

>> >6 EASY LESSONS >> > >> >Lesson 1 >> > >> >A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up >>her >> >shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself >>in a Towel >> >and runs downstairs. >> > >> >When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door >>neighbor. >> >Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop >>that towel." >> >After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands >>naked in >> >Front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. >> > >> >The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When >>she gets >> >to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob >>the next >> >door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, " >...

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make use of your information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in management....

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

> This story tells us not to be "too kind" to our bosses as it is > >>not > >>worth the effort to be nice to them. > >> > >> Here it goes: > >> > >> > >> There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a > >>house guard. > >> > >>One day,while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning > >>flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard > >>house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate. > >> > >> > >>He said "Sir..Sir. are you going to board a plane?" > >> > >>"Yes, why?" asked the millionaire. > >> > >>"You had better cancel the trip.You see, last night I dreamt about the > >>plane going to crash." > >> > >>Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh ...

1) For your information. (FYI) - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it. 2) For your action. (FYA) - I don't know what to do with this, so I'm passing this shit to you. 3) Noted and returned. - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it for a little while. 4) Review and comment. - Do the dirty work so that I can forward it and sign off with my name. 5) Action please. - Get yourself involved. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit. 6) For your necessary action. - It's your headache now. Woohoo!!! 7) CC to - Here's a share of the headache. 8) BCC to - I'm telling someone important that I'm working and sharing the headache with you. 9) For your approval, please. - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please. :D 10) Action is being taken and will revert in due time. - I lost your correspondence and still trying to locate it. - I¡¯m busy! Bother me next week!!! 11) Please discuss. - I don't know what this is all about. So...

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization... Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to re...

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?" "No" replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!" The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?" "No!" replied the Managing Director angrily. "Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

> Dear Management: > > I, The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: > > I do physical labor. > I work at great depths. > I plunge headfirst into everything I do. > I do not get weekends or holidays off. > I work in a damp environment. > I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. > I work in high temperatures. > My work exposes me to contagious diseases. > > Sincerely, > > The Penis > > > ============================================================================ > ======== > > > Dear Mr. Penis: > > After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have > raised, > the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: > > You do not work eight hours straight. > You fall asleep after brief work periods. > You do not always follow the orders of the management team. > You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen vis...

LESSON 1 A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff... And he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff.... And he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm." MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST" LESSON 2 Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secr...

Lesson One An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth ...