Jokes Collected From Emails

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free... it's women who make it hard."

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pocket...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each mor...

TO THE MARRIED FOLKS, and a preview to the not-married ones! Have a laugh Guys and Girls who can handle this too... When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about ter...

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver 2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG driver. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA. 7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!! 8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK ...

>>GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN >>Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,half wild, >>naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. >> >>Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to >>trade especially for someone with cash. >> >>Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of >>her own beauty. >> >>Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm >>and desirable place to visit. >> >>Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past >>mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. >> >>Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are >>un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. >> >>Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all >>conquering past but alas, no future. >> >>After 70, they become Afghanist...

>> >> >I'm sure you'll never ask your Mom or your Wife this question all >> >>>your life.... after you've read this mail: >> >>> >> >>> >> >>>A father came home and found his three children outside, still in >> >>>their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers >> >> >>>strewn all around the front yard. >> >>> >> >>>The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the >> >>>house and there was no sign of the dog. >> >>> >> >>>Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had >> >>>been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. >> >>> >> >>>In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the >> >>>family room was strewn with toys and various items...

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story