Jokes Collected From Emails

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From a...

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pocket...

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down. His secretary walked up to him and asked, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' This was not a phrase that Her Boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his Secretary had told him, finally understood. He then tentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, He said, 'When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked In there?' The secretary smiled for a moment and said, 'No, Boss I didn't. All I saw Was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tires.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each mor...

HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. HE : Wh...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning . I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me . As it turned out, she barely said good morning,let alone "Happy Birthday . " I thought . . . Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids . . . They will remember . My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word . So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent . As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered . I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me . " I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest...

TO THE MARRIED FOLKS, and a preview to the not-married ones! Have a laugh Guys and Girls who can handle this too... When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about ter...

>>GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN >>Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,half wild, >>naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. >> >>Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to >>trade especially for someone with cash. >> >>Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of >>her own beauty. >> >>Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm >>and desirable place to visit. >> >>Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past >>mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. >> >>Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are >>un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. >> >>Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all >>conquering past but alas, no future. >> >>After 70, they become Afghanist...