Jokes Collected From Emails

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here. ------------------------------ ------------------------   Water in the carburetor WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous " WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car? WIFE: "In the pool"   ============================= ============== A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC THIS I...

NAMES OF WIVES A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his... 4th wife..... baby doll 3rd wife.....china doll 2nd wife.....barbie doll 1st wife..... panadol ! ARAB MAN An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. 'Your name pls.'? "Abdul Aziz " "Sex? " "Six times a week!! " "No, no, I mean male or female! " "Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !" HAPPY MAN What makes a happy man? Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons" SWIMSUIT Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section. GOOD AMBITION Teacher: What do you want to become? Little Johnny: Doctor !! Teacher: Why? Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. DENTIST Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I...

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver 2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG driver. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA. 7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!! 8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK ...

MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR : Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor : Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! 2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL: Teacher : What is 5 plus 4? Mr. Bean : 9 Teacher : What is 4 plus 5? Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE: Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! 4) AT AN ATM MACHINE: Friend : What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)! 5) MARRIAGE: Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry? M...

Teacher: "Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?" Simon: "No, teacher, it's the same dog!" -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Your hair is very untidy. Why did you not comb it before coming to school?" Boy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Boy: "No hair, Sir." -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Where were you born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir ." -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Chong, you missed school last Friday." Chong : "You're wrong, Sir." Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?" Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!" -------------------------------------------------- Father: "Your teacher says she finds ...

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah ! Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ? PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right? Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped? PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah ! Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses ? PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh ?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn .......... Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love? PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not ? Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ? PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ......

*Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice *Son : "I will choose my own bride!" *Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok" *Next Father approaches Bill Gates. *Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" *Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. *Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done!!

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone) Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan( someone ). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan( no one ) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. ( sorry ) Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

(1) Liar: A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why does u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?" Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!" (2) Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. (3) Chinese Adam and Eve: If Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake! (4) Cyber Child > >"Daddy? How did I come into this world? ""Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way. " " So why not today? Please! ""OK, but listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Sin...

>> >> > > This is a real good one, enjoy>>>>>>>> >> > >> > >> > After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage >> loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the > driver >> notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. >> > >> > >> > "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," >> Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" >> > "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, >> "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a >> cardinal, > and I'd >> really like to drivetoday." >> > >> > >> > "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd >> > lose my job! And what if something should happen...

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body. Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family; kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc. So together?.. all paus went to find maggi mee for revenge. On the way... they met Spaghetti?... so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can't say a word, Spaghetti then scream... "WHAT DID I DO? I don't even know you all"???. Then the siew pau say??.. "HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do REBONDING!"

>Before marriage. . > Darling here.. darling there... >After marriage. > Baling here... baling there.. > >Before marriage. . >I die for you. . . >After marriage. >"You die, up to you. " >Lagi lama married. . >You die I help you! > >Before marriage. . >You go anywhere. . I follow you. >After marriage. . . >You go anywhere. . up to you . >Lagi lama married. . . >You go anywhere better get lost!! > >Before wedding >you are my heart, you are my love" >After wedding >"you get on my nerves. " > >Before wedding >"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella" >After wedding >"you are worse than godzila" > >Before wedding >Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you >After wedding >Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you > >Before wedding >Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La >After weddin...

> American Spaceman is called Astronaut > Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut > Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut > > Malaysian Spaceman? - Can-or-naut! > > > Dr. M was thinking about sending somebody into space. Three potential > can-a-nauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one > Chinese. > > Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous > mission. How much do you think you should be paid?" > > Muthu replied: "One million ringgit." > "Why so much?" asks Dr. M. > "Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come back!" replied Muthu. > > "That's understandable," says Dr. M. "Thank you...please ask the Malay > guy to come here," > > So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question. > > "Alamak!...2 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate. > > "Two million? That's twice as m...

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady. Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island They both had the lady TOGETHER. Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER. Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs. Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night. Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man. Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was rejected by both. And finally.... Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two men are still waiting for...

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it . When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top................ which read as follows :: Dear brothers and sisters, I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide the same among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Kala's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 ...

> > >1) Malaysian Jokes > > > > > >THE GENIE > > > > > >A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a > > >magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two > > >wishes, > > >Macha.." > > > > > >The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a > > >Chinaman! > > >Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair > > >jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in >hand. > > >As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own > > >reflection. > > > > > >Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion. > > >The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained "Are you > > >deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a...

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps. They agreed and went out. After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30 . Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first sardarji asked what was the sa...

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb". Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. Coca-Cola was originally green . It is impossible to lick your elbow. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, ...

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. ....................................................................... I was born intelligent - education ruined me. ....................................................................... Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice? ....................................................................... If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? ....................................................................... Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. ....................................................................... How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? ....................................................................... Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. ..........................................

(a). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'l! l get back to you. (b). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (c). Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. (e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi,you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh)...