Jokes Collected From Emails

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver 2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG driver. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA. 7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!! 8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK ...

A man went to an underwear company for a job interview. The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours! We pack our underwear in 7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. Why? The man thinks for a moment and replies: "The 7-packs are for Malaysian men: one for each day of the week. The 5-packs are for "Mat Salleh" men: one each for Monday to Friday, and they don't wear underwear on weekends. The 12-packs are for Bangla, Pakistani and Indon men: one each for January, February, March ....." He got the job...!!

> A Professor was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:- > 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: >"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing. > 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. >One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: >"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising. > 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her >telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. >Marry me." - That's Telemarketing. > 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten >your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the >door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, >offer her ride and then say: By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - >That's Public Relations. > 5. You...

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady. Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island They both had the lady TOGETHER. Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER. Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs. Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night. Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man. Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was rejected by both. And finally.... Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two men are still waiting for...

>> One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another from >> Maybank, went for a walk. They were old buddies from >> school, and they >> were remembering the tough old days they went as students >> together. >> >> For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant. >> >> Being from the same field and the same school, there is little bit of >> peer competition going on, so when he saw this elephant, an >> idea >> clicked the Citibanker, he said to the others "Why don't we >> prove who >> is the best among us?". >> >> The others, of course, agreed. >> >> Then the Citibank said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this >> elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank". >> >> They all agreed and started. >> >> Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the >> elephant laugh ...

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM? 1. Park the car 2. Go to ATM Machine 3. Insert card 4. Enter PIN 5. Take money out 6. Take ATM Card out 7. Drive away How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM? 1. Park the car 2. Check makeup 3. Turn off engine 4. Check makeup 5. Go to ATM 6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse 7. Insert card 8. Hit Cancel 9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it 10. Insert card 11. Enter PIN 12. Take cash 13. Go to car 14. Check makeup 15. Start car 16. Stop car 17. Run back to ATM 18. Take ATM card 19. Back to car 20. Check makeup 21. Start car 22. Check makeup 23. Drive for 1/2 mile 24. Release handbrake 25. Drive on.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Rita (-4) Rita is a dancer (-6) Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80) HER BIRTHDAY Y...

The solidarity of men make us more interesting. Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls up 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that. Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls up 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them! Conclusion: Men are better friends!!!

Dear IT Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0, Premier League, Counter-Strike and World Cup 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate ====================================================== Reply: Dear Desperate, First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is and entertainment package , while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and down...

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause ! I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She ...

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN. * Wine her, * Dine her, * Call her, * Hug her, * Support her, * Hold her, * Surprise her, * Compliment her, * Smile at her, * Listen to her, * Laugh with her, * Cry with her, * Romance her, * Encourage her, * Believe in her, * Pray with her, * Pray for her, * Cuddle with her, * Shop with her, * Give her jewelry, * Buy her flowers, * Hold her hand, * Write love letters to her, * Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN * Bring food ... * Don't block the TV