Jokes Collected From Emails

.... Man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?" The doctor replies,   "Yes. The first 3 months will be just like normal the next three months you should do it like dog and the last three months you should do it like tiger ….   The man replies "Tiger? I don't know that method."   The doctor explains …..   "Like Tiger Woods" " Sleep with other women."   __._,_.___  

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and...

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goe...

If necessity is the mother of invention, then frustration is the father of masturbation! Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger! Life without friends is like boobs without nipples... POINTLESS! The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell the other: UNITED we are save, Divided we are fucked. Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes. Fuck a girl & she'll love you... Love a girl & she'll fuck you! All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy. The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's still got you by the balls

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah ! Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ? PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right? Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped? PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah ! Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses ? PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh ?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn .......... Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love? PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not ? Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ? PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ......

I am Peter Stuyvesant I have two friends, Benson and Hedges I came from the city of Marlboro, In the Salem high country I Always carry a MildSeven I rode on a White Horse Going to Kingsway in Kent It was Lucky Strike I fell in love With the daughter of Master Duke Her name Was YSL We got married by Perillys, the priest We checked in at the house of Dunhill And booked into room number 555 I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf I played with her two Matterhorns When I poked in my Rothmans King Size She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!" You are riding like a mad Camel When I asked her if she is satisfied She answered" I want MORE!!!!" Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to enter her Gudang Garam. She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna!!

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said. "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me screw you." But the girl said "NO!". Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened...?" She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"