Jokes Collected From Emails

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!" "No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression. "The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in New Jersey when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night, he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I don't know. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there." "$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." ...