Jokes Collected From Emails

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From a...

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles. "OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and say...

HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. HE : Wh...

I have been married 40 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good-looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot beautiful 18-year-old girl... and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

> A Professor was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:- > 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: >"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing. > 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. >One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: >"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising. > 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her >telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. >Marry me." - That's Telemarketing. > 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten >your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the >door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, >offer her ride and then say: By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - >That's Public Relations. > 5. You...

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady. Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island They both had the lady TOGETHER. Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER. Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs. Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night. Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man. Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was rejected by both. And finally.... Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two men are still waiting for...

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story

Well.....here is something to link the 5cs to the newer 5 bs ! I don't need a *CAR *, but I want a *BMW **?* I don't need a *CONDO *, but I want a *BUNGALOW **?* I don't need you to have *CASH * but I want you to own a *BANK **?* I don't need you to have a *CAREER * but I want you to be a *BOSS * It's interesting for you to read! Most of you would have heard of the Singapore * 5C's *! : * Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career * Heard of the *5B's *? * B - BMW ** ** B - Body ** ** B - Brain ** ** B - Billionaire ** ** B - Bungalow **?* And, and addition with the *5K's * ..................... * Kiasu (scared of losing) ** ** Kiasee (scared of dying) ** ** Kiabor (scared of wife) ** ** Kiaboh (scared of having nothing) ** ** Kiachenghu (scared of government) **?* We've been reading about the 5C's! and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent... Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :...

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM? 1. Park the car 2. Go to ATM Machine 3. Insert card 4. Enter PIN 5. Take money out 6. Take ATM Card out 7. Drive away How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM? 1. Park the car 2. Check makeup 3. Turn off engine 4. Check makeup 5. Go to ATM 6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse 7. Insert card 8. Hit Cancel 9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it 10. Insert card 11. Enter PIN 12. Take cash 13. Go to car 14. Check makeup 15. Start car 16. Stop car 17. Run back to ATM 18. Take ATM card 19. Back to car 20. Check makeup 21. Start car 22. Check makeup 23. Drive for 1/2 mile 24. Release handbrake 25. Drive on.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Rita (-4) Rita is a dancer (-6) Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80) HER BIRTHDAY Y...

> A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but > discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use > his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was > on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her > that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he > tried reaching dad on the mobile. > > She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon > seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, > and she slapped him again, for good measure. > > People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the > cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody > what the lady said to him when he called. > > Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at > present. Please Try Again Later"...

The solidarity of men make us more interesting. Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls up 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that. Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls up 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them! Conclusion: Men are better friends!!!

Dear IT Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0, Premier League, Counter-Strike and World Cup 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate ====================================================== Reply: Dear Desperate, First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is and entertainment package , while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and down...

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause ! I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She ...

The Husband Store in NY >>> A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a >> woman >>> may go to choose a husband. >>> >>> Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store >>> operates. >>> >>> "You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the >> attributes >>> of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. >>> >>> There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular >> floor, >>> or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except >>> to >>> exit the building!" >>> >>> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. >>> >>> On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - >>> >>> These men have jobs. >>> >>> The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - ...

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said. "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me screw you." But the girl said "NO!". Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened...?" She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN. * Wine her, * Dine her, * Call her, * Hug her, * Support her, * Hold her, * Surprise her, * Compliment her, * Smile at her, * Listen to her, * Laugh with her, * Cry with her, * Romance her, * Encourage her, * Believe in her, * Pray with her, * Pray for her, * Cuddle with her, * Shop with her, * Give her jewelry, * Buy her flowers, * Hold her hand, * Write love letters to her, * Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN * Bring food ... * Don't block the TV

>>A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a >>particularly >> >>dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple >>of >>dollars for dinner. >> >>The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, >>"If I >>give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of >>dinner?" >> >>"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. >> >>"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman >>asked >>"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. >>"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." >> >>"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman >>asked. >> >>"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair >>done in >...