Jokes Collected From Emails

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament house.; one from   MIC   another from   MCA   and the third, from  UMNO  .  They go with a government official to examine the fence.     The   MIC   contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'     The   MCA   contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'     The   UMNO   contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, '$2,700'.     The official, incredulous, whispers, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did y...

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down. His secretary walked up to him and asked, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' This was not a phrase that Her Boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his Secretary had told him, finally understood. He then tentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, He said, 'When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked In there?' The secretary smiled for a moment and said, 'No, Boss I didn't. All I saw Was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tires.

Get Vietnamese workers, dogs missing . Get Ba ng ladeshi workers, Malay girls missing . Get Indonesian workers, money missing . Get Indian workers, jewelleries missing . Get Chinese workers, husbands missing . Call the police, the evidence goes missing , Call the lawyers, the judge go missing , Call the ministry of transport, the reports go missing Change the government, funds go missing , Say something and you may be missing . missing no good

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton. Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me. He takes him to a forest. Bill: Dig the ground. Sardarji did it. Bill: more...more. ..more... Sardarji went up to 100 feet. Bill: So now, try to search something. Sardarji: I got a wire. Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones. Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India . Next year Bill was in India Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. The same...he takes Bill to a forest. Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does. Sardarji : more...more. .m.?l. Bill goes up to almost 400 feet.. Sardarji : try to find something. Bill tries. Sardarji : Did you get anything? Bill : No, there is nothing here. Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!

Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610' ==================================== Ah Beng : I am a Proud dad, coz my son is in Medical College. Friend: Really, what is he studying. Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him. ========================================== Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game. =========================================== Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry? Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry? Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister. ========================================= Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD' Wife: How do you know?? Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again. =========================================== A...

NAMES OF WIVES A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his... 4th wife..... baby doll 3rd wife.....china doll 2nd wife.....barbie doll 1st wife..... panadol ! ARAB MAN An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. 'Your name pls.'? "Abdul Aziz " "Sex? " "Six times a week!! " "No, no, I mean male or female! " "Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !" HAPPY MAN What makes a happy man? Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons" SWIMSUIT Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section. GOOD AMBITION Teacher: What do you want to become? Little Johnny: Doctor !! Teacher: Why? Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. DENTIST Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I...

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver 2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG driver. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA. 7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!! 8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK ...

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - ...

A man went to an underwear company for a job interview. The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours! We pack our underwear in 7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. Why? The man thinks for a moment and replies: "The 7-packs are for Malaysian men: one for each day of the week. The 5-packs are for "Mat Salleh" men: one each for Monday to Friday, and they don't wear underwear on weekends. The 12-packs are for Bangla, Pakistani and Indon men: one each for January, February, March ....." He got the job...!!

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone) Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan( someone ). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan( no one ) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. ( sorry ) Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

>Before marriage. . > Darling here.. darling there... >After marriage. > Baling here... baling there.. > >Before marriage. . >I die for you. . . >After marriage. >"You die, up to you. " >Lagi lama married. . >You die I help you! > >Before marriage. . >You go anywhere. . I follow you. >After marriage. . . >You go anywhere. . up to you . >Lagi lama married. . . >You go anywhere better get lost!! > >Before wedding >you are my heart, you are my love" >After wedding >"you get on my nerves. " > >Before wedding >"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella" >After wedding >"you are worse than godzila" > >Before wedding >Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you >After wedding >Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you > >Before wedding >Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La >After weddin...

> American Spaceman is called Astronaut > Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut > Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut > > Malaysian Spaceman? - Can-or-naut! > > > Dr. M was thinking about sending somebody into space. Three potential > can-a-nauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one > Chinese. > > Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous > mission. How much do you think you should be paid?" > > Muthu replied: "One million ringgit." > "Why so much?" asks Dr. M. > "Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come back!" replied Muthu. > > "That's understandable," says Dr. M. "Thank you...please ask the Malay > guy to come here," > > So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question. > > "Alamak!...2 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate. > > "Two million? That's twice as m...

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time. They took aspirin, candies floss,fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/ motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat. We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle. We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV ray which never seem to affect us. We go to jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes. With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would ran like crazy for hours. We catch guppy in...

> > >1) Malaysian Jokes > > > > > >THE GENIE > > > > > >A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a > > >magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two > > >wishes, > > >Macha.." > > > > > >The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a > > >Chinaman! > > >Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair > > >jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in >hand. > > >As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own > > >reflection. > > > > > >Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion. > > >The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained "Are you > > >deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a...

>> One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another from >> Maybank, went for a walk. They were old buddies from >> school, and they >> were remembering the tough old days they went as students >> together. >> >> For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant. >> >> Being from the same field and the same school, there is little bit of >> peer competition going on, so when he saw this elephant, an >> idea >> clicked the Citibanker, he said to the others "Why don't we >> prove who >> is the best among us?". >> >> The others, of course, agreed. >> >> Then the Citibank said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this >> elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank". >> >> They all agreed and started. >> >> Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the >> elephant laugh ...

It is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc......... For example:- WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater in your size but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you. Malaysians: No Stock. RETURNING A CALL Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago? Malaysians: Hello, who page? ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way? Malaysians: S-kew me WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me. Malaysians:No-need, lah. WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door? Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar? WHEN ENTERTAINING Britons: Please make yourself right at home. Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah! WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money. Malaysians: Where go...

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry. I accept that you love each other truly." So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in a white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancee, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after some time that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the...

Well.....here is something to link the 5cs to the newer 5 bs ! I don't need a *CAR *, but I want a *BMW **?* I don't need a *CONDO *, but I want a *BUNGALOW **?* I don't need you to have *CASH * but I want you to own a *BANK **?* I don't need you to have a *CAREER * but I want you to be a *BOSS * It's interesting for you to read! Most of you would have heard of the Singapore * 5C's *! : * Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career * Heard of the *5B's *? * B - BMW ** ** B - Body ** ** B - Brain ** ** B - Billionaire ** ** B - Bungalow **?* And, and addition with the *5K's * ..................... * Kiasu (scared of losing) ** ** Kiasee (scared of dying) ** ** Kiabor (scared of wife) ** ** Kiaboh (scared of having nothing) ** ** Kiachenghu (scared of government) **?* We've been reading about the 5C's! and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent... Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :...

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore > Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe > representative were of tertiary level education or higher was > because of the following incident which occurred not too many > years ago. > It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 > finalists, > Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 > simple questions: > > MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance > starting with "L" > Miss USA: Lamp > Miss Malaysia: Light bulb > Miss Singapore: LADIO > Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L" > > MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an > animal starting...

> This story tells us not to be "too kind" to our bosses as it is > >>not > >>worth the effort to be nice to them. > >> > >> Here it goes: > >> > >> > >> There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a > >>house guard. > >> > >>One day,while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning > >>flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard > >>house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate. > >> > >> > >>He said "Sir..Sir. are you going to board a plane?" > >> > >>"Yes, why?" asked the millionaire. > >> > >>"You had better cancel the trip.You see, last night I dreamt about the > >>plane going to crash." > >> > >>Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh ...