Jokes Collected From Emails

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

I have been married 40 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good-looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot beautiful 18-year-old girl... and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at ...

> Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, > "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to > each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." > > "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said > the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for > the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands... > > Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: > "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will > never come again. > > I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than > me." > > The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a > wish... so the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! > - the husband became 92 years old. > > > The moral of the story: > Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember t...

> > Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors > and > > lawyers and prospered. > > > > > > Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They > discussed > > the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away > in > > another city. > > > > > > The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." > > > > > > The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the > > house." > > > > > > The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." > > > > > > The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know > she > > can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher > who > > told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty > > preachers 12...

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oooooooh, Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fe...