Jokes Collected From Emails

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning . I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me . As it turned out, she barely said good morning,let alone "Happy Birthday . " I thought . . . Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids . . . They will remember . My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word . So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent . As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered . I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me . " I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest...

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? " "Is your daddy home?" he asked. " Yes , " whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No . " Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes . " "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No . " Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes , " whispered the child, " a policeman . " Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy , " whispered the child. "Busy doing what?...

TO THE MARRIED FOLKS, and a preview to the not-married ones! Have a laugh Guys and Girls who can handle this too... When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about ter...

I have been married 40 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good-looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot beautiful 18-year-old girl... and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

NAMES OF WIVES A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his... 4th wife..... baby doll 3rd wife.....china doll 2nd wife.....barbie doll 1st wife..... panadol ! ARAB MAN An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. 'Your name pls.'? "Abdul Aziz " "Sex? " "Six times a week!! " "No, no, I mean male or female! " "Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !" HAPPY MAN What makes a happy man? Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons" SWIMSUIT Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section. GOOD AMBITION Teacher: What do you want to become? Little Johnny: Doctor !! Teacher: Why? Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. DENTIST Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I...

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation. If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department. If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations. If they are sleeping. Put them in security. If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales. If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning...

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver 2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG driver. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA. 7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!! 8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK ...