*Malaysian Style*
Lesson 1
You have just landed in KL International Airport and the
first thing you want to do is to call your Malaysian friend.
If you're calling him at home or at the office, the first
thing to say on the phone is "Eh, what you doing?". If
you're calling him on the handphone (cellular phone) the
standard greeting is "Eh, where are you?"
Lesson 2
Your Malaysian friend has graciously offered to pick you up
from the airport. He said "Give me half an hour...", be
prepared to wait at least one
and a half hours. This is probably your first encounter with
Malaysian Timing. There's no need to adjust your watch.
Whatever time a Malaysian tells you, just add another hour,
and you won't go wrong.
Lesson 3
You have no friends in Malaysia (yet) and you decide to take
a cab from the airport. You'll soon realize that the one-way
taxi fare is more expensive than a night's stay at most
decent hotels.
Lesson 4
If your friendly limo or taxi driver, says "Sir, you want to
try some Thai chicken?", he's definitely not suggesting a
good place for Thai food. If you
encounter the word "chicken" in a taxi, hotel lobby or
street corner, it usually means a lady who charges you a fee
in exchange for pleasure.
Lesson 5
If you're a newbie expat, your colleagues will definitely
introduce you to the mini Beverly Hills of Kuala Lumpur,
Bangsar. Believe me, there are other
more interesting places to shop, eat and drink. And by the
way, get the pronunciation right! It's "Bar-ngsar" not
"Bang-sar" as in "Bangkok".
Lesson 6
Since you're heading for Bangsar anyway, you ought to know
that Bangsar was previously Indian territory before the
white men's invasion. Some of the local Indians you meet
there try their very best to look and behave like the
blacks in the US. Complete with rapper's hair cut, shades
and customary "Yo!
What's up motherxxxx?" greeting, you would probably think
that you're right in the middle of Harlem. But remember this
important warning: Don't ever call them blacks, even though
their sole purpose in life is to look and sound like the
blacks. They become extremely hostile if you refer to them
as blacks! I can never figure this out but don't say I
didn't warn you.
Lesson 7
Why do Malaysians call all Caucasians "Mat Sallehs"? About a
hundred years ago, drunkard sailors from the West were a
common sight in the Port Klang area. The locals used to call
them "Mad Sailors". Somehow, it got corrupted into the Malay
name "Mat Salleh". The Chinese will still call you
"Gwai-Loh" or "Devil". To the more polite Hokkiens you're a
"Ang Moh" or "Red Hair".
Lesson 8
If your Chinese friends invite you to join them for a
Chinese meal like "Hokkien Mee" or "Bak Kut Teh", eat as
much as you can. You're never gonna get it anywhere else.
Not even in China, Taiwan or HongKong. There's another
Malaysian invention, the "Yee Sang" or raw fish salad
(served during the Chinese New Year). Before I forget,if
you're the queasy type, avoid ordering
"spare-parts" when you're having "Bak Kut Teh", unless you
fancy all the internal parts of a pig.
Lesson 9
When you're in a restaurant, always "pop" the disposable
tissue packet as loud as you can. Don't worry, nobody will
get annoyed. Usually, at the end of a ten course dinner,
there'll be one "Big Bang" as everybody "pop" theirs. In
order to express your appreciation to your generous host,
remember to throw in a loud belch as well. Although it may
be normal in your
own country, don't ask the waiter for a separate bill
(check). Either you pay for everything or just keep your
mouth (and wallet) shut. If you feel bad about it, offer to
pay the next time. Anyway, don't worry too much about
it as most locals know that most Mat Sallehs are "stingy
buggers"...
Lesson 10
Don't like to be a stingy Mat? Take your friends to a Mamak
"fish-head curry" restaurant. Order the prawns and the crabs
as well. Be totally reckless, don't ask about the prices and
don't check your bill as well. I guarantee you'll find a big
hole. The one in your pocket, not the ones you're always
chasing in Bangsar. Whether you're in a five-star hotel or
at a roadside stall, always ask for the "bill". Nobody will
understand when you
say "check" or "tab". Need a paper napkin or serviette? Just
say "tissue".
Lesson 11
Every Wednesday or Thursday night is Ladies' Night at the
"fun pubs" and discos. That's the night when most club
operators get rid of all their stale
and unwanted alcohol. They mix it into some strange
cocktails and give it away free to the ladies. Ladies' Night
is actually Men's Night! That's the time when all the
predatory "buayas" (crocodiles) go out in full force. Stick
to normal nights, you'll find less competition. If you're a
lady, stay
away from the "buayas" and the free drinks (unless it's
pouring brands).
Lesson 12
Stop hassling the street vendor who sold you a 3 VCD set of
"The Titanic" that didn't exactly meet the ISO 9000
specifications. C'mon, what can you buy for US $3 back home?
Besides, you should listen to your own government and not
buy pirated stuff. But from what I see at Imbi Plaza, pewter
and batik are no longer the favorite souvenirs. By the way,
when you're at Imbi Plaza, don't forget to check out another
distinguished landmark of Malaysia;
the world's first and only permanently static escalator.
Lesson 13
Malaysian drivers tend to slow down when they come across
any road accidents. They are not being cautious nor are they
intending to give assistance. They must catch a glimpse of
that ever important "Nombor". Even
if the number (license) plate is broken into a million
pieces,* *the passersby will patiently re-assemble it just
to obtain that "lucky" number. Then, it's off to the 4D
betting shops. If the numbers don't come this way, they do
some quick interpretation of their dreams through the handy
Chinese Dream Book. It looks like a Clip Art Visual Catalog.
Nightmares are included
as well....
Damn, I'm Proud to be a Malaysian!
**Blogger's note: i didnt write this lol.
You have just landed in KL International Airport and the
first thing you want to do is to call your Malaysian friend.
If you're calling him at home or at the office, the first
thing to say on the phone is "Eh, what you doing?". If
you're calling him on the handphone (cellular phone) the
standard greeting is "Eh, where are you?"
Lesson 2
Your Malaysian friend has graciously offered to pick you up
from the airport. He said "Give me half an hour...", be
prepared to wait at least one
and a half hours. This is probably your first encounter with
Malaysian Timing. There's no need to adjust your watch.
Whatever time a Malaysian tells you, just add another hour,
and you won't go wrong.
Lesson 3
You have no friends in Malaysia (yet) and you decide to take
a cab from the airport. You'll soon realize that the one-way
taxi fare is more expensive than a night's stay at most
decent hotels.
Lesson 4
If your friendly limo or taxi driver, says "Sir, you want to
try some Thai chicken?", he's definitely not suggesting a
good place for Thai food. If you
encounter the word "chicken" in a taxi, hotel lobby or
street corner, it usually means a lady who charges you a fee
in exchange for pleasure.
Lesson 5
If you're a newbie expat, your colleagues will definitely
introduce you to the mini Beverly Hills of Kuala Lumpur,
Bangsar. Believe me, there are other
more interesting places to shop, eat and drink. And by the
way, get the pronunciation right! It's "Bar-ngsar" not
"Bang-sar" as in "Bangkok".
Lesson 6
Since you're heading for Bangsar anyway, you ought to know
that Bangsar was previously Indian territory before the
white men's invasion. Some of the local Indians you meet
there try their very best to look and behave like the
blacks in the US. Complete with rapper's hair cut, shades
and customary "Yo!
What's up motherxxxx?" greeting, you would probably think
that you're right in the middle of Harlem. But remember this
important warning: Don't ever call them blacks, even though
their sole purpose in life is to look and sound like the
blacks. They become extremely hostile if you refer to them
as blacks! I can never figure this out but don't say I
didn't warn you.
Lesson 7
Why do Malaysians call all Caucasians "Mat Sallehs"? About a
hundred years ago, drunkard sailors from the West were a
common sight in the Port Klang area. The locals used to call
them "Mad Sailors". Somehow, it got corrupted into the Malay
name "Mat Salleh". The Chinese will still call you
"Gwai-Loh" or "Devil". To the more polite Hokkiens you're a
"Ang Moh" or "Red Hair".
Lesson 8
If your Chinese friends invite you to join them for a
Chinese meal like "Hokkien Mee" or "Bak Kut Teh", eat as
much as you can. You're never gonna get it anywhere else.
Not even in China, Taiwan or HongKong. There's another
Malaysian invention, the "Yee Sang" or raw fish salad
(served during the Chinese New Year). Before I forget,if
you're the queasy type, avoid ordering
"spare-parts" when you're having "Bak Kut Teh", unless you
fancy all the internal parts of a pig.
Lesson 9
When you're in a restaurant, always "pop" the disposable
tissue packet as loud as you can. Don't worry, nobody will
get annoyed. Usually, at the end of a ten course dinner,
there'll be one "Big Bang" as everybody "pop" theirs. In
order to express your appreciation to your generous host,
remember to throw in a loud belch as well. Although it may
be normal in your
own country, don't ask the waiter for a separate bill
(check). Either you pay for everything or just keep your
mouth (and wallet) shut. If you feel bad about it, offer to
pay the next time. Anyway, don't worry too much about
it as most locals know that most Mat Sallehs are "stingy
buggers"...
Lesson 10
Don't like to be a stingy Mat? Take your friends to a Mamak
"fish-head curry" restaurant. Order the prawns and the crabs
as well. Be totally reckless, don't ask about the prices and
don't check your bill as well. I guarantee you'll find a big
hole. The one in your pocket, not the ones you're always
chasing in Bangsar. Whether you're in a five-star hotel or
at a roadside stall, always ask for the "bill". Nobody will
understand when you
say "check" or "tab". Need a paper napkin or serviette? Just
say "tissue".
Lesson 11
Every Wednesday or Thursday night is Ladies' Night at the
"fun pubs" and discos. That's the night when most club
operators get rid of all their stale
and unwanted alcohol. They mix it into some strange
cocktails and give it away free to the ladies. Ladies' Night
is actually Men's Night! That's the time when all the
predatory "buayas" (crocodiles) go out in full force. Stick
to normal nights, you'll find less competition. If you're a
lady, stay
away from the "buayas" and the free drinks (unless it's
pouring brands).
Lesson 12
Stop hassling the street vendor who sold you a 3 VCD set of
"The Titanic" that didn't exactly meet the ISO 9000
specifications. C'mon, what can you buy for US $3 back home?
Besides, you should listen to your own government and not
buy pirated stuff. But from what I see at Imbi Plaza, pewter
and batik are no longer the favorite souvenirs. By the way,
when you're at Imbi Plaza, don't forget to check out another
distinguished landmark of Malaysia;
the world's first and only permanently static escalator.
Lesson 13
Malaysian drivers tend to slow down when they come across
any road accidents. They are not being cautious nor are they
intending to give assistance. They must catch a glimpse of
that ever important "Nombor". Even
if the number (license) plate is broken into a million
pieces,* *the passersby will patiently re-assemble it just
to obtain that "lucky" number. Then, it's off to the 4D
betting shops. If the numbers don't come this way, they do
some quick interpretation of their dreams through the handy
Chinese Dream Book. It looks like a Clip Art Visual Catalog.
Nightmares are included
as well....
Damn, I'm Proud to be a Malaysian!
**Blogger's note: i didnt write this lol.
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